Lessons in Resilience

This post was meant to be written at the end of last year, but it didn’t come together until now. I’m learning that inspiration and thoughts for these posts cannot be forced. They don’t come on a scheduled time. They only come when they come.

Those of you who know me really well know that every year I chose one word that will be my new focus for that year. It’s one of my absolute favorite things about the New Year. This tradition all started with a wonderful roommate of mine who was an English major and very, very good with words. She introduced it to me and the rest is history. (Thanks Charlotte.) I’ve had some really good words in the past that have inspired me to reach new heights and somehow every year I find something that sticks out and ends up being perfect for whatever is happening in my life.  

2015 was no exception. Those of you who have read my blog this past year have probably picked up on similar themes connecting each post. Most of the ideas for those posts stemmed from my “word” for 2015.

So, what was that “word”?

If you’ve read the title of this post, you already know. My “word” was…..

RESILIENCE

In my humble opinion, this is an incredible word. It has so many facets to it. There are so many directions you can go with it.

Now that the New Year has come and I have moved on to another “word” (a post for another day), let me share what resilience meant to me and some things I learned from the year 2015.

As many of you know, 2015 started out as a rocky year. I had some struggles with dating and in my career path that really shook my faith. I felt pretty abandoned by Heavenly Father and pretty much a complete failure. But just as that was all happening, God started teaching me some pretty significant lessons.

He taught me that experiencing failure doesn’t mean that you as a person are a failure. He taught me that often it is what we do after our failure that defines our future. He taught me that He had never and would never abandon me. He helped me to see past my failure to who I am, to the real success that was happening in my life, and to a greater understanding of His Son.

And then, he brought a word into my life. Though it was a word I had heard many times, when this word and idea was consistently brought up in multiple meetings and conversations, I knew that this was the word I needed to focus on. So that word, resilience, became my rock.

So, what does resilience mean? Sometimes resilience is used to refer to something that “bounces back” to its original form after physical trauma, like a boomerang.

Psychologytoday.com defines “resilience” as

“that ineffable quality that allows some people to be knocked down by life and come back stronger than ever. Rather than letting failure overcome them and drain their resolve, they find a way to rise from the ashes”.

To those who have read my blog in the past, this theme will sound familiar.

In the last couple weeks, I came across an article that described some ideas that I had subconsciously learned this past year. In the Harvard Business Review, Martin Seligman, the father of positive psychology (so cool!), discusses the idea of building resilience in soldiers. He noticed that there were three different responses from soldiers after trauma. Each began with a period of shock and depression. One group was more inclined to fall into PTSD, depression, or suicidal tendencies after trauma. Another group, after the initial shock and depression, within a month or two, were back to where they were before the trauma. But the last group was different. They responded initially with symptoms of depression and even PTSD, but by the end of the first year after the trauma, they were better off than they were before the trauma. It was incredible that something so hard had given them the chance of growth. They discovered that the key to never becoming helpless or the key to growth was something so simple, it was… optimism. (see optimism post)

Most of us begin life with a very optimistic outlook. Think back to life as a little kid. You were so excited to learn new things, you saw the good in others, and you believed that anything was possible. Then life happens to us. We find out that learning new things is sometimes tough and sometimes it displays the darkness that is in the world. We are let down by someone somehow. And at one time or another, we fail at our dream (see failure post).

After these things happen, many of us become cynical and lose that optimism. But the trick is to experience all the hurt, the being let down, the failure, and to stay optimistic. That is not blind optimism. That is the ability to look past hurt and darkness, and to see that there is still hope and light. Sure, there are hard things happening in the world, but there are so many good things. What’s important is what you focus on. And those who focus on the good and keep a sense of optimism are those who actually get things done. They actually succeed. Maybe not the first time, or the second time, but they have the stamina to keep going.

Let’s talk quickly about some things that are just plain good. What about the beautiful mountains? The beach, the smell of rain, little baby fingers and toes, chocolate, travelling, dancing, laughter, good books, soft blankets, the ability to see, pure love, the feel of grass beneath your feet, Mother Theresa, your kooky family that totally accept and get you and that make you laugh like no one else (even if you don’t always get along), friendships that last a lifetime, big-band music, serving others, peonies, a can’t-put-it-down-it’s-that-good book, cuddling, being outside, breathing, the warmth of summer, the joy of Christmastime, feeling close to God, good hair days, a clean room, tree-lined streets, the smell of roses, cheese, Modern Family, a kind word right when you need it, music you can’t help but sing to, compassion, trials, sunsets, Audrey Hepburn, the restored gospel of Jesus Christ, etc. Oh, that was fun! Just ponder on those for a while. Now if these things don’t appeal to you, make your own list. I promise you the world is filled with genuinely good things.

Now, back to the research mentioned before. What I loved about this idea and this research was not that it demanded perfection of the participants in order for growth to be achieved. Each person, no matter which group they eventually ended up being a part of, began the road to recovery with feelings of shock and depression. That taught me that resilience doesn’t mean that you never get discouraged. It doesn’t mean that you don’t feel deflated at times. It just means that you pick yourself back up after that has happened. And not only do you pick yourself up, you let that trauma make you better.

So, that’s what I did. I picked myself back up, began to trust the Lord more and more, and tried to not become bitter, but to open my heart to new paths and new strength. And the Lord helped me to grow.

During this past year I had the opportunity to visit a friend of mine that really exemplified resilience and helped me to grow. Her name is Josephine. Let me tell you about her. 

Josephine is a 94 year old fireball. She is so happy, so positive, and so in-love with life. She also is a widow...of 40 years! Can you believe that?! She has lived completely by herself since her husband passed and gets along very well, despite her age and ever-worsening eyesight. She surrounds herself with things she loves- her family and loved ones, the scriptures, good food, trinkets from all her travels, and hard work. She has the best work ethic I have ever seen. She does what needs to be done and she doesn’t stop until it’s done right. And she laughs, so often. She’s one of the happiest people I have ever met.

I remember weeks of going to visit her when I felt defeated and thinking, “Today I’m going tell Josephine about my struggles and she’ll understand. She’s been through so much.” Yet, when I would come to her house and her sweet smile would greet me, all my feelings of defeat would leave. I remember a few times beginning to share with her some feelings, but as I explained them to her, they somehow seemed obsolete. She ultimately did not share in the despair with me. Instead, her attitude lifted me to new heights and helped me to realize, as I said before, that it is what you focus on that determines how good your life is. She believed in me, she had hope for me when mine was gone, and her legally-blind eyes saw the beauty in life that mine could not see.

Josephine is one of the dearest people in the world to me.

I can only hope that I will ever be like her.

Throughout the year I continued to focus on resilience until one day it hit me. I am resilient. Now, as explained before, I am not perfect. I have been incredibly discouraged and felt equally defeated, but eventually have been able to rise above the trauma I have experienced and become better. I felt happy again and hopeful. And then I realized that it really wasn’t me.  Alma explained the way I felt so well, when he said,

I know that I am nothing; as to my strength I am weak; therefore I will not boast of myself, but I will boast of my God, for in his strength I can do all things.(Alma26:12, Book of Mormon)

Similarly, the Bible tells us

I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me. (Philippians 4:13)

Then I realized that the best way to be resilient is to rely on the Lord when hard things happen. He will make weak things become strong. He will help us know how to deal with the hurt, the darkness, the sadness, the failure. He will help us see the light and the hope. He will help us to grow.

Learning to have this kind of optimism has been so good for me. At some point during the year I found a quote from the poet, Erin Hanson, which perfectly described how I wanted to view my future.

What if I fall?

Oh, but my darling, 

               What if you fly?

I loved the quote so much that I put it on my wall.

In reading the book, The Power of Positive Thinking, by Norman Vincent Peale, I came across a passage that really resonated with me. (My dad would be so proud of me for reading this book.)

Children are more expert in happiness than adults. The adult who can carry the spirit of a child into middle and old age is a genius, for he will preserve the truly happy spirit with which God endowed the young.  The subtlety of Jesus Christ is remarkable, for He tells us that the way to live in this world is to have the child-like heart and mind. In other words, never get old or dull or jaded in spirit. (p. 62)

Sometime during this past year I was introduced to a book entitled Resilience, written by Elizabeth Edwards, wife of John Edwards. Considering all I’d been learning, I knew I needed to read this book. The book is an autobiographical description of how this wonderful woman rose from the challenges put in her path, including the death of her sixteen-year-old son, infidelity in her marriage, and a diagnosis of breast cancer. Elizabeth’s book showed me that, even though you may struggle, as you keep on fighting and never give up, you win the battle. Near the end of her book she wrote

I can live out my remaining days-however many there are-as a victim or I can try to experience them with an intensity that our mortality should have given us every day. I do not want to live as a victim. (p. 156)

If that isn’t optimism, if that isn’t hope, I don’t know what else is.

This year I learned to not be ashamed of my failures, to be motivated to keep trying, to believe in a bright future, to be a fighter, and to not give up. I am not perfect in resilience, but despite the trauma I have experienced this year I have seen growth in myself. I see myself becoming more resilient in relationships, resilient in going towards my dreams, resilient in believing in myself and my ability to change and get better, and resilient in my trust in God.

Let us live to turn our lives to the Lord.

Let us be confident in ourselves and trust in others.

Let us be ready to fall and then to pick ourselves back up and try again, and again, and again.

For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you and expected end…and there is hope in thine end. (Jeremiah 29:11, 31:17)