Comparison

It’s been a while since I have posted here. It’s been a busy year and that’s my excuse. Lots of miracles and blessings have been happening that have changed my life forever.

I dated and married Jonathan Hardy. I finished my second and third semesters of nursing school (just took my last final for this semester Wednesday! Woot!). I have felt so blessed!

Okay, so life hasn’t been perfect, but through it all, there have been so many blessings. So many that it’s hard to count them all!

Recently I have been feeling like it was time to post something again. I’ve had some ideas, but this morning it has hit me hard that there is something I need to write. I hope what I have to say touches someone.

Through this new transition from single status to marriage, I have learned a lot. Specifically about comparison. And that’s what I want to talk about here.

Having someone else around, both he and and I have noticed how often I compare myself to others. And any time I do compare myself to others, it’s never a good idea. It always leaves me with a sour feeling and does not help my confidence or my ability to focus on others. Instead it leaves me feeling discouraged and jealous. And it leaves me feeling like there’s always more that I need to be doing.

I’ve noticed it in myself with my friends in nursing school. Even when I did well on an exam, when I find out that they did better I often feel worse about myself. I wonder what I’m doing wrong or why I didn’t do as well. And I get discouraged. I tell myself, maybe you’re not as smart as them, maybe you should study more, etc.

Recently I have been surrounded by some incredible people. I look at so many of these incredible men and women who have the most wonderful lives and are involved in so many good things and I wish I was like them. I wonder why I don’t have things all figured out like they do. I see all my weaknesses and wonder if I will ever measure up. And it distances me from my love for myself, from my relationships with other people, and from God.

Well, I think a lot of us do this. Maybe not in the same ways that I am suggesting, but in our own personal ways, comparison robs us of confidence, peace, and self-love.

Here are some thoughts I’ve found recently that have helped me:

While watching the LDS General Women’s Meeting I listened to a talk by Jean B. Bingham that really touched me about seeing others and ourselves in a positive light. She talked about love and withholding judgment and seeing people in a higher light.

 Sometimes…we look at what others might have or be and feel we are less in comparison. We    become focused on the Pinterest or Instagram (isn’t this silly, but true?) versions of life or caught up  in our school’s or workplace’s preoccupation with competition. However, when we take a moment to “count [our] many blessings,” we see with a truer perspective and recognize the goodness of God  to all of His children.

From that talk I thought about the damage that comparison was doing, not only to my self-esteem, but with my relationship with others. It was keeping me from looking for good in others and myself.

With those thoughts on my mind, I heard this quote from Elder. J. Devn Cornish:

 Please, my beloved brothers and sisters, we must stop comparing ourselves to others. We torture  ourselves needlessly by competing and comparing. We falsely judge our self-worth by the things we  do or don’t have and by the opinions of others…The only opinion of us that matters is what our  Heavenly Father thinks of us. Please sincerely ask Him what He thinks of you. He will love and  correct but never discourage us; that is Satan’s trick.

From this quote and talk I was reminded of the need to look to God for my worth and not to others. And that was a freeing thought. It let me look for good in myself and in my efforts. It let me be kinder to myself when I didn’t measure up to others.

The scripture Ether 12:26-27 from the Book of Mormon was shared with me recently in regards to comparison. It says,

 …the Lord spake unto me, saying: Fools mock, but they shall mourn; and my grace is sufficient for    the meek, that they shall take no advantage of your weakness;

 And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they    may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they  humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto  them.

The speaker shared that the Lord does not give us weaknesses so that we will feel discouraged. He does not want us to compare our faults to others' strengths, but instead to humbly be grateful for them because they bring us closer to our Savior.

One thing that has touched me so much in our marriage is Jon’s confidence in me. When he asks me about my day he somehow always seemed amazed at what I accomplish. Even when it doesn’t seem like much. And more than that, he doesn’t measure success on what I do, but on who I am. He sees me in a way that I think Heavenly Father sees us all. When I confide in him my insecurities about not being good enough he points out the good in me. He points out that though my strengths may be different than someone else, that I have much to offer the world. And when I feel that way, I stop focusing on myself and turn my thoughts to others.

Theodore Roosevelt famously said:

    “Comparison is the thief of Joy.”  

Isn’t this so true?! Comparison does take the joy out of your life. It takes away joy from the successes you are having. It causes you focus on how you weren’t quite as good as someone else. And it also takes away from the joy of other’s successes because you are too inwardly focused to be happy for them.

Which leads me to one aspect of comparison that I have been miffed about. It is the fact that when we compare ourselves to others, we do not celebrate when others succeed. We see something good happening in another’s life and we think of how much we want that same thing in our life. We don’t let them relish in their moment of joy.

Let’s not take away their joy just to wallow in our own self pity. Why not be grateful that God has blessed them with so much? Why not be inspired by seeing the hand of God in their lives or let them relish in their accomplishment? Chances are it took a lot of hard work and help from Heaven to get where they are. Maybe they too felt discouraged when their blessing didn’t come the way they wanted it to. And now that they have received the blessing, why not let them celebrate?

I have noticed at times these negative thoughts and they have not lifted me up or encouraged me to lift up others. And lifting others, rather than ourselves, should be our focus.

How…glorious can be the sincere compliment of a friend, the cheerful greeting of a parent, the     approving nod of a sibling, or the helpful smile of a co-worker or classmate, all supplying fresh “wind in our sails” as we battle the challenges of life! 

*Read the rest of this quote here.

One of the songs that has come up a lot on my Christmas playlist is a song by Sara Bareilles, someone who always writes such eloquent lyrics, Love is Christmas. One part has hit home to me. It says,

Why so scared that you’ll mess it up

when perfection keeps you haunted?

All you need is your best, my love,

it’s all anyone ever wanted.

I thought of how much of a perfectionist I have become. I thought of how because of my busy schedule and comparing myself with others, I have allowed myself to pay more attention to my list of things to do than to those around me. And I realized that should not be my focus.

This Christmas and this new year my focus will be on being present, not perfect.

At this Christmastime, I want to propose that we stop looking at others with jealousy, but with compassion and understanding. And I also propose that we take some time to, as Justin Bieber said so eloquently (haha), “love ourselves”. Ask the Lord how He feels about you. I can guarantee that you will feel a deep sense of love. But seriously, what the world needs more of is love. Love for ourselves, love for God, and love for those around us.

“Never let a problem to be solved become more important than a person to be loved.”

Thomas S. Monson