Failure and Worth

Over the past month or so I have been gathering my thoughts about FAILURE. I have come across much inspiration during this time that has helped me to change my view of failure and be more at peace with the way my life is going, and I figured that I am not the only one out there with these feelings, so I thought I would share.

Growing up as the oldest of six, I was always told that I had to be an example to others. In junior high and high school, I felt like I was achieving the goal of setting a good example. I had what I thought were important responsibilities in church and I was trying to follow the gospel as I should. In high school I had success in the classes and other activities as well. In general, I felt like I was setting a good example for my siblings and others around me. Senior year, I got into Brigham Young University,--the only school I applied for -- and I decided to go.

Once I got into my university studies, it seemed to become harder to succeed. This was especially true when it came to my major. I knew from early on that I wanted to be a nurse. I worked hard in classes and applied to the nursing program, yet I wasn’t accepted. I was dating, yet my relationships seemed to always end so quickly. Two major goals in life, nursing and marriage, seemed so far away. I began to feel like a failure. But with time, I saw the Lord’s purposes for me. 

He wanted me to study Public Health and to prepare to go on a mission for my church. He helped me to know that it wasn’t His will that I be in the BYU nursing program and the higher purpose that I had to serve Him as a missionary. I felt contented and happy with my life.

Now, 4 years later, I have returned from an  I N C R E D I B L E  mission and have graduated from BYU in Public Health. I achieved those two great goals and I felt content with life. Now seemed like time for the other two goals to become a reality: becoming a wife and becoming a nurse. 

In January of this year I had a moment where I saw the possibility of these two goals being fulfilled. I was dating someone that I really liked. And I was applying for nursing school and felt more confident than ever in this goal. But now, just two months later, both of those steps I had taken have in a sense “failed”. Things didn’t work out with that guy and I found myself, yet again, single. And soon after that I got back yet another rejection letter from nursing school. I had a moment-- well actually a period of time-- when I was going in between feeling peace about my future and feeling angry with God and myself that I had failed yet again.

I kept hearing voices in my head saying,

“Well, Anneli, you did it again.”

“Why can’t you get it together?”

“Why can’t you commit to anything?”

“Maybe you’re not good enough to be a nurse.”

Even though those thoughts were only in my head, to me they were real and I was convinced that when I told other people my setbacks, those would mimic their thoughts about me. I felt that I was letting people down. I wasn’t setting a good example and my life really didn’t seem to have any purpose.

I know this all sounds a little mellow dramatic, but when you are going through life crises, the despair you feel always seems justified in the moment.

I began to become more and more focused on myself and my failure. I gave in to discouraging thoughts. I became angrier with myself and Heavenly Father. I felt anti-social because I didn’t want people to ask about my life.

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But during this time multiple events and conversations have been given to me to change my mind about failures:

My dear roommate one night decided to have me listen to a devotional from BYU’s new president, Kevin Worthen entitled “Successfully Failing”. At the time, neither of us knew that I would be rejected from nursing or what was to come. This devotional awoke something in me that said, “failure isn’t always bad”. He pointed out that it is how we respond to failure that often determines our future success. One thing he mentioned that really hit me was that we should focus less on ourselves and more on the Savior when we fail. We should turn to Him for guidance and worth.

A couple weeks later, I attended church activity where we talked about “successfully failing”. One girl mentioned something that really stuck with me. She said, “When you focus on one failure in your life, you miss other successes that you had during that same time.”

On Valentine’s Day I went on a lovely hike with an old friend and a new one. It was pleasant, as being in mountains always is. Somehow during our conversation we started talking about life and I opened up and shared with them both my fears of the failure I was having. My new friend became very pensive and shared that he was feeling similarly about his life-- a huge relief that I wasn’t alone-- but that the more he learned about others, the more he realized that they too experience failure in life. It is something we all experience at one point or another. He also pointed out that people that originally seemed to have the “perfect” life also had much heartache.

I was on a date recently and opened up to my date a little about how I don’t always feel successful. He turned to me and said, “I think you hold yourself to too high a standard.”

Lastly, I came across the commencement speech that J.K. Rowling gave at Harvard in 2008. It was entitled “The Fringe Benefits of Failure”.  Now, if you don’t know much about J.K. Rowling’s life prior to her incredible success as an author, you should look into it. She had a lot of setbacks that she had to overcome before she gained any of the success she has now. And in the commencement speech, she talks about that failure and how it was such a turning point for her. That it helped her realize what was really important in her life and helped her develop into something much stronger.

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These experiences have changed my perspective drastically.

Failure is not always bad. It has the ability to strip you down to the core and make you really realize what you do have.

As for me, these failures aren’t bad failures. I now have the opportunity to re-evaluate my life and open myself up to new possibilities that I wouldn’t have seen otherwise, both in dating and in school. And in my closeness to the Lord.

Successes that I have had during this time are a little more personal to me, but include binding myself closer to the Savior, finding success in my current job as a nurse assistant at the hospital, and learning to sacrifice something good for a better future.

I thought of my job that I have now as a nursing assistant and what a nurturing role I have in that job and how my part influences others. And I realized that I was looking way past the mark. I was focusing too much on this lofty goal of nursing, while forgetting the reason for that goal: that I wanted to serve and take care of people. Well, that’s what I am doing right now. And I have an incredibly awesome job because I get to influence people in that way.

I have had the chance to re-vamp my plans for nursing and open up myself to possibilities I wasn’t willing to look at before. I have felt reassured to not give up on this goal yet.

I thought of success I have had in relationships and all I have learned and how much I know the Lord has led me to and away from people that were important for me at the time and how He will continue to lead me to something good at a future date.

Although I am not catholic, I decided to participate in Lent this year, and to give up something that would be very hard for me: negative thoughts. I realized-- like my date said-- that I have too high of expectations for myself and, in my mind, if I don’t reach those expectations right now, that must mean that I am a failure and my life has no purpose. I let those thoughts sink in to the point where I lost all confidence in myself and became bitter. That’s not me. That’s not what I am meant for.

Basically, what it came down to was humility. I was so focused on my own will and desires, that I forgot that Heavenly Father had a greater plan. And I forgot to trust Him.

During this time, the Lord has reached out to me in many ways to remind me that He is still here. Becoming angry or bitter only makes you block out God’s love in your life. But He will never stop loving you. I needed to humble myself and return to His light and His love.

And it is the sweetest feeling.

Sweeter than any success I could be having.

I received a sweet note from a friend out of nowhere telling me that no matter what I did in life, I would have a nurturing role. Other people have rallied around me at this time as well to lift me and help restore my confidence.

Thank you all for that.

Maybe there are some out there who look at my life and think that I am leading or must be leading a perfect life. Well, I am. It is perfect for me. But as you can see by this post, my path is not paved with ease and immediate success. Rather, I have seen much heartache and disappointment. But in all of it, I want to remember that life is not always about getting what we want. It is about what we make of what we’ve been given. And it is about how we use that to serve others.

I had forgotten one huge truth: that I am a child of God. And He will never forsake me. Much of our heartache comes from forgetting that truth. Yet the magnitude of that truth should stop us from ever feeling like failures.

Our worth is not dependent upon our ability to _____ (fill in the blank with any accomplishment). 

We are not failures. 

You are not a failure. 

I am not a failure.

We have infinite worth in His eyes. As we are following Him and doing our best, the outcome always leads to success. It will always lead to greater fulfillment of His goals “to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man” (Moses 1:39).

That is the real definition of success for me: that I am doing what He would have me do.