For the last couple years, I
have felt like I have been learning a lot about people. My ideas about the way
I view others has totally changed. I feel like it has been God helping to
change my heart, but I don’t really know that I have the words to adequately
explain this change.
Growing up I felt that part
of my mission in life was to spread love to others. I loved the idea in theory
and it shaped a lot of my decisions in life. I often was able to spread that
love, but I did not realize that there were beliefs that shadowed that idea at
times. There were times that, because of ignorance or blind judgment, I let my
views get in the way of loving someone. This became slightly apparent to me
with some roommates of mine in college, or with companions on my mission. But
somehow, I still didn’t fully realize this weakness I had until much more
recently.
I’m not quite sure when this
discovery began. Maybe it began as I moved to a bigger city with a job that
gave me more opportunities to serve and meet people with many different
backgrounds and lifestyles. Maybe it came as I read books about people with
different cultures or lifestyles from me and I had to confront and change some
unconscious biases. Maybe it came because of my own experiences of making
mistakes and learning to forgive and love myself. In the end, I think it was
probably a combination of all of these things.
So, here's what I feel that I
have learned.
Over the last couple years I
have learned more and more that people are good. I have learned that there is
not just one form of goodness, but many. I have learned, as Brené Brown
teaches in her book, Rising Strong, that most, if not all of us are
doing our very best, and that we should expect to see that in others (p. 118).
I have learned that the best way to love people is to leave judgment to God. To
realize that it really doesn’t matter to me what other people do or believe,
but that I should share God’s love with them. If I truly believe in a God of
mercy, I should share that mercy with others and I should try to see the best
in them. I have learned that everyone has a past and that we don’t always
understand where they are coming from, but that we should believe that they are
doing what is most rational to them. I have also learned that when someone is
doing something I may believe is wrong, that what they need, is still my
unconditional love. They need to know that I love them for who they are, not
what they do. Love the sinner, but not the sin, right? Well, I believe that’s
exactly what that means. It means that we honestly don’t let the sin of the
sinner get in the way of our loving them. And aren’t we all sinners, am I
right? Don’t we all do things that we aren’t proud of, but still hope for and
yearn for love and acceptance from others? And I have learned that most of the
time, loving and serving others is more important than judging them.
A huge influence on this
subject for me has been Chieko Okazaki. She was formerly a member of the
General Relief Society Presidency of my church, The Church of Jesus Christ of
Latter-day Saints. She writes a lot about the way we love in the gospel. Her
perspective is such a breath of fresh air. In one instance she
writes:
"When we recognize a difference between ourselves and our lives and our choices and those of another woman [or man], we do not need to say, 'Hmm, who is right? She or I? Is she better than I am? Is she worse than I am? Who is being righteous here?' No, all we need to do when we recognize the difference is to simply say, 'This is a difference. That's interesting.' There are no 'shoulds' or 'oughts'. There's just 'interesting'. And that frees the other sister to look at your differences and to say in turn, 'That's interesting.'" What a Friend We Have in Jesus, p. 46
As I’ve been learning and
reading about parenthood, Jon and I read a book called Unconditional
Parenting by Alfie Kohn. This book rejects the idea that punishment is
good. Instead, it talks about how we should believe that what our children are
doing is rational to them and that we should try to understand things from
their frame of mind, instead of just scolding them for doing what is wrong. We
should get down to their level and treat them like rational human beings and
then we should help them understand why we want them to do things in a
different way. But we should do that through words and actions, instead of
through punishment that shows a decrease of love. I think this idea also
applies to other aspects of adult life. For example, think of a time when you
did something you weren't proud of. When that happened, you may have felt
embarrassed or ashamed. You also may have desperately hoped others would be
forgiving and understanding of that mistake. But as adults do we always react
this way to others? Not really. We often punish them by judging or blaming them
and then by letting that one instance define them from then on. But in that
moment what that person really needs is our love and our understanding. That
will help them to be able to move on and to change and let their past go. The
opposite response leads to shame and causes both parties to distance themselves
from the other.
Of course there are
circumstances of abuse and suffering that defy these ideas, and I do not
condone those acts. In these instances people often need to separate themselves
from those causing those acts. And I do not claim to understand what it is like
to experience suffering or abuse nor do I claim that love and forgiveness is
easy in those circumstances. But what I am speaking about here is that loving
people that do things we don't agree with will require effort and change on our
part.
In my job as a nurse of
cancer patients I have noticed that it’s easy to love the people that I serve.
It’s easy to see good in them. In spending time with them, I am learning more
about who these people are and what they are going through. I have found that
the deeper I know someone, the easier it is to love and understand them. I
think that is partly because I know better what their life circumstances are
and what they are going through.
Jesus taught us about judging
others when he said, "Judge not, that ye be not judged. For with what
judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall
be measured to you again. And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy
brother's eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye? Or how
wilt thou say to thy brother, Let me pull out the mote out of thine eye; and,
behold, a beam is in thine own eye? Thou hypocrite, first cast out the beam out
of thine own eye; and then shalt thou see clearly to cast out the mote out of
thy brother's eye." Matt. 7:1-5
Why judge others when our own faults keep us from seeing other people for who they really are?
I loved the talk given by
Robert C. Gay, from the October 2018 General Conference of The Church of Jesus
Christ of Latter-day Saints, entitled "Taking upon Ourselves the Name of
Jesus Christ". He speaks of his sister and how he had judged her
choices most of his life. On the night before she died, he felt the Lord was
chastising him. "I was made acutely aware of her goodness and allowed to
see her as God saw her--not as someone who struggled with the gospel and life
but as someone who had to deal with difficult issues that I did not have. I saw
her as a magnificent mother who, despite great obstacles, had raised four
beautiful, amazing children. I saw her as the friend to our mother who took
time to watch over and be a companion to her after our father passed
away."
Later Elder Gay also shared this:
"Can any one of you
imagine our Savior letting you and your burdens go unnoticed by Him? The Savior
looked upon the Samaritan, the adulterer, the tax collector, the leper, the
mentally ill, and the sinner with the same eyes. All were children of His
Father. All were redeemable. Can you imagine Him turning away from someone
with doubts about their place in God’s kingdom or from anyone afflicted in any
manner? I cannot. In the eyes of Christ, each soul is of infinite worth.
No one is preordained to fail. Eternal life is possible for all."
I've been amazed at the
thought that Jesus Christ, the one who knows all aspects of our circumstances
and is the only one who truly can judge us, always loves us unconditionally.
Why shouldn't we try to spread some of that love we receive from Him to others?
As this idea of love has grown, I have felt that maybe just loving others better is not enough. I have felt a greater desire to serve others. I have felt that it is very important to make sure that I not only serve people that are similar to me, but people that are different than I am. One of those opportunities came as Jon and I felt inspired to "adopt" a refugee family through Catholic Community Services, along with a group of people from our neighborhood. We were paired with a family from the Democratic Republic of Congo and fell in love with them almost immediately. We showed them how to use public transportation, how to buy groceries, helped them find jobs, and in turn have learned so much from them. Through my imperfect offering of love and service, my love and appreciation for them just grew and grew. Learning about their culture and their background and their goodness through that experience changed my heart. They have become some of our deepest friends and favorite people. It made me want to go deeper in my connection to others.
Something that Sharon Eubank
shared in a devotional from January 2018
really stuck out to me. She said that in humanitarian work, we are
the gift. Not our goods, not our money, but us. Spending
quality time with others and providing that friendship and human connection is
often more important than anything else we can give. In the past I have thought
of service as tying quilts or putting together humanitarian packages. While
these are wonderful and noble causes, I think there is a greater service to be
given, and that is when we share ourselves, our light, our love with others,
face to face.
Bryan Stevenson, author
of Just Mercy, and a civil rights lawyer who has worked extensively
with the prison population, gave a forum at Brigham Young University
on October 30, 2018. In this forum, he shared "We have to get proximate to
the poor and the excluded...Most of us were raised that if there's a bad part
of town that we should stay as far away from the bad part of town as possible.
Today I'm going to argue the opposite. I believe that we need to get closer to
the people and the bad parts of town and the places where there's abuse and
neglect and despair and violence. I believe we have to get proximate to truly
reflect on what it means to be an agent of change, to show God's grace and
mercy in places where there has been a lot of hostility and violence. There is
power in proximity....When we allow ourselves to be far away from the poor we
don't hear the things we need to hear. We don't see the things we need to
see."
Later he said, "We've got to be willing to do things that are uncomfortable and inconvenient. We cannot change the world, we cannot create more justice, if we insist on only doing what's comfortable and convenient....Change only happens when good people make the choice to do the uncomfortable....I believe we will be judged by how we treated the poor, the abused, and the neglected."
My take away from all that
I've learned is that our love is so needed in the world. Our kindness and
understanding will help heal hearts and build bridges. And that's what I want
to spend my time doing: healing hearts and building bridges, not walls.
I guess why I am writing this in part is because these are things I need to hear again and again. Because love and service aren't always comfortable. But it is right. And I want to find more ways to wear out my life in service to others (D&C 123:13). I want to help change this world into a more loving, accepting, kind place. I want to make more of a difference. I don't want to pass up opportunities to serve anymore. I want to find those opportunities and give my whole heart to them. I am still learning what that looks like in my life, but I know that if I am to do God's work, these ideas need to become a part of who I am.
