On Connection and Service

For the last couple years, I have felt like I have been learning a lot about people. My ideas about the way I view others has totally changed. I feel like it has been God helping to change my heart, but I don’t really know that I have the words to adequately explain this change.

Growing up I felt that part of my mission in life was to spread love to others. I loved the idea in theory and it shaped a lot of my decisions in life. I often was able to spread that love, but I did not realize that there were beliefs that shadowed that idea at times. There were times that, because of ignorance or blind judgment, I let my views get in the way of loving someone. This became slightly apparent to me with some roommates of mine in college, or with companions on my mission. But somehow, I still didn’t fully realize this weakness I had until much more recently.

I’m not quite sure when this discovery began. Maybe it began as I moved to a bigger city with a job that gave me more opportunities to serve and meet people with many different backgrounds and lifestyles. Maybe it came as I read books about people with different cultures or lifestyles from me and I had to confront and change some unconscious biases. Maybe it came because of my own experiences of making mistakes and learning to forgive and love myself. In the end, I think it was probably a combination of all of these things.

So, here's what I feel that I have learned.

Over the last couple years I have learned more and more that people are good. I have learned that there is not just one form of goodness, but many. I have learned, as Brené Brown teaches in her book, Rising Strong, that most, if not all of us are doing our very best, and that we should expect to see that in others (p. 118). I have learned that the best way to love people is to leave judgment to God. To realize that it really doesn’t matter to me what other people do or believe, but that I should share God’s love with them. If I truly believe in a God of mercy, I should share that mercy with others and I should try to see the best in them. I have learned that everyone has a past and that we don’t always understand where they are coming from, but that we should believe that they are doing what is most rational to them. I have also learned that when someone is doing something I may believe is wrong, that what they need, is still my unconditional love. They need to know that I love them for who they are, not what they do. Love the sinner, but not the sin, right? Well, I believe that’s exactly what that means. It means that we honestly don’t let the sin of the sinner get in the way of our loving them. And aren’t we all sinners, am I right? Don’t we all do things that we aren’t proud of, but still hope for and yearn for love and acceptance from others? And I have learned that most of the time, loving and serving others is more important than judging them.

A huge influence on this subject for me has been Chieko Okazaki. She was formerly a member of the General Relief Society Presidency of my church, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. She writes a lot about the way we love in the gospel. Her perspective is such a breath of fresh air. In one instance she writes:  

"When we recognize a difference between ourselves and our lives and our choices and those of another woman [or man], we do not need to say, 'Hmm, who is right? She or I? Is she better than I am? Is she worse than I am? Who is being righteous here?' No, all we need to do when we recognize the difference is to simply say, 'This is a difference. That's interesting.' There are no 'shoulds' or 'oughts'. There's just 'interesting'. And that frees the other sister to look at your differences and to say in turn, 'That's interesting.'" What a Friend We Have in Jesus, p. 46

As I’ve been learning and reading about parenthood, Jon and I read a book called Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn. This book rejects the idea that punishment is good. Instead, it talks about how we should believe that what our children are doing is rational to them and that we should try to understand things from their frame of mind, instead of just scolding them for doing what is wrong. We should get down to their level and treat them like rational human beings and then we should help them understand why we want them to do things in a different way. But we should do that through words and actions, instead of through punishment that shows a decrease of love. I think this idea also applies to other aspects of adult life. For example, think of a time when you did something you weren't proud of. When that happened, you may have felt embarrassed or ashamed. You also may have desperately hoped others would be forgiving and understanding of that mistake. But as adults do we always react this way to others? Not really. We often punish them by judging or blaming them and then by letting that one instance define them from then on. But in that moment what that person really needs is our love and our understanding. That will help them to be able to move on and to change and let their past go. The opposite response leads to shame and causes both parties to distance themselves from the other.

Of course there are circumstances of abuse and suffering that defy these ideas, and I do not condone those acts. In these instances people often need to separate themselves from those causing those acts. And I do not claim to understand what it is like to experience suffering or abuse nor do I claim that love and forgiveness is easy in those circumstances. But what I am speaking about here is that loving people that do things we don't agree with will require effort and change on our part.

In my job as a nurse of cancer patients I have noticed that it’s easy to love the people that I serve. It’s easy to see good in them. In spending time with them, I am learning more about who these people are and what they are going through. I have found that the deeper I know someone, the easier it is to love and understand them. I think that is partly because I know better what their life circumstances are and what they are going through. 

Jesus taught us about judging others when he said, "Judge not, that ye be not judged. For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again. And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother's eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye? Or how wilt thou say to thy brother, Let me pull out the mote out of thine eye; and, behold, a beam is in thine own eye? Thou hypocrite, first cast out the beam out of thine own eye; and then shalt thou see clearly to cast out the mote out of thy brother's eye." Matt. 7:1-5

Why judge others when our own faults keep us from seeing other people for who they really are?

I loved the talk given by Robert C. Gay, from the October 2018 General Conference of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, entitled "Taking upon Ourselves the Name of Jesus Christ". He speaks of his sister and how he had judged her choices most of his life. On the night before she died, he felt the Lord was chastising him. "I was made acutely aware of her goodness and allowed to see her as God saw her--not as someone who struggled with the gospel and life but as someone who had to deal with difficult issues that I did not have. I saw her as a magnificent mother who, despite great obstacles, had raised four beautiful, amazing children. I saw her as the friend to our mother who took time to watch over and be a companion to her after our father passed away."

Later Elder Gay also shared this: 

"Can any one of you imagine our Savior letting you and your burdens go unnoticed by Him? The Savior looked upon the Samaritan, the adulterer, the tax collector, the leper, the mentally ill, and the sinner with the same eyes. All were children of His Father. All were redeemable. Can you imagine Him turning away from someone with doubts about their place in God’s kingdom or from anyone afflicted in any manner? I cannot. In the eyes of Christ, each soul is of infinite worth. No one is preordained to fail. Eternal life is possible for all." 

I've been amazed at the thought that Jesus Christ, the one who knows all aspects of our circumstances and is the only one who truly can judge us, always loves us unconditionally. Why shouldn't we try to spread some of that love we receive from Him to others?

As this idea of love has grown, I have felt that maybe just loving others better is not enough. I have felt a greater desire to serve others. I have felt that it is very important to make sure that I not only serve people that are similar to me, but people that are different than I am. One of those opportunities came as Jon and I felt inspired to "adopt" a refugee family through Catholic Community Services, along with a group of people from our neighborhood. We were paired with a family from the Democratic Republic of Congo and fell in love with them almost immediately. We showed them how to use public transportation, how to buy groceries, helped them find jobs, and in turn have learned so much from them. Through my imperfect offering of love and service, my love and appreciation for them just grew and grew. Learning about their culture and their background and their goodness through that experience changed my heart. They have become some of our deepest friends and favorite people. It made me want to go deeper in my connection to others.

Something that Sharon Eubank shared in a devotional from January 2018 really stuck out to me. She said that in humanitarian work, we are the gift. Not our goods, not our money, but us. Spending quality time with others and providing that friendship and human connection is often more important than anything else we can give. In the past I have thought of service as tying quilts or putting together humanitarian packages. While these are wonderful and noble causes, I think there is a greater service to be given, and that is when we share ourselves, our light, our love with others, face to face. 

Bryan Stevenson, author of Just Mercy, and a civil rights lawyer who has worked extensively with the prison population, gave a forum at Brigham Young University on October 30, 2018. In this forum, he shared "We have to get proximate to the poor and the excluded...Most of us were raised that if there's a bad part of town that we should stay as far away from the bad part of town as possible. Today I'm going to argue the opposite. I believe that we need to get closer to the people and the bad parts of town and the places where there's abuse and neglect and despair and violence. I believe we have to get proximate to truly reflect on what it means to be an agent of change, to show God's grace and mercy in places where there has been a lot of hostility and violence. There is power in proximity....When we allow ourselves to be far away from the poor we don't hear the things we need to hear. We don't see the things we need to see."

Later he said, "We've got to be willing to do things that are uncomfortable and inconvenient. We cannot change the world, we cannot create more justice, if we insist on only doing what's comfortable and convenient....Change only happens when good people make the choice to do the uncomfortable....I believe we will be judged by how we treated the poor, the abused, and the neglected."

My take away from all that I've learned is that our love is so needed in the world. Our kindness and understanding will help heal hearts and build bridges. And that's what I want to spend my time doing: healing hearts and building bridges, not walls.

I guess why I am writing this in part is because these are things I need to hear again and again. Because love and service aren't always comfortable. But it is right. And I want to find more ways to wear out my life in service to others (D&C 123:13). I want to help change this world into a more loving, accepting, kind place. I want to make more of a difference. I don't want to pass up opportunities to serve anymore. I want to find those opportunities and give my whole heart to them. I am still learning what that looks like in my life, but I know that if I am to do God's work, these ideas need to become a part of who I am.