Comparison

It’s been a while since I have posted here. It’s been a busy year and that’s my excuse. Lots of miracles and blessings have been happening that have changed my life forever.

I dated and married Jonathan Hardy. I finished my second and third semesters of nursing school (just took my last final for this semester Wednesday! Woot!). I have felt so blessed!

Okay, so life hasn’t been perfect, but through it all, there have been so many blessings. So many that it’s hard to count them all!

Recently I have been feeling like it was time to post something again. I’ve had some ideas, but this morning it has hit me hard that there is something I need to write. I hope what I have to say touches someone.

Through this new transition from single status to marriage, I have learned a lot. Specifically about comparison. And that’s what I want to talk about here.

Having someone else around, both he and and I have noticed how often I compare myself to others. And any time I do compare myself to others, it’s never a good idea. It always leaves me with a sour feeling and does not help my confidence or my ability to focus on others. Instead it leaves me feeling discouraged and jealous. And it leaves me feeling like there’s always more that I need to be doing.

I’ve noticed it in myself with my friends in nursing school. Even when I did well on an exam, when I find out that they did better I often feel worse about myself. I wonder what I’m doing wrong or why I didn’t do as well. And I get discouraged. I tell myself, maybe you’re not as smart as them, maybe you should study more, etc.

Recently I have been surrounded by some incredible people. I look at so many of these incredible men and women who have the most wonderful lives and are involved in so many good things and I wish I was like them. I wonder why I don’t have things all figured out like they do. I see all my weaknesses and wonder if I will ever measure up. And it distances me from my love for myself, from my relationships with other people, and from God.

Well, I think a lot of us do this. Maybe not in the same ways that I am suggesting, but in our own personal ways, comparison robs us of confidence, peace, and self-love.

Here are some thoughts I’ve found recently that have helped me:

While watching the LDS General Women’s Meeting I listened to a talk by Jean B. Bingham that really touched me about seeing others and ourselves in a positive light. She talked about love and withholding judgment and seeing people in a higher light.

 Sometimes…we look at what others might have or be and feel we are less in comparison. We    become focused on the Pinterest or Instagram (isn’t this silly, but true?) versions of life or caught up  in our school’s or workplace’s preoccupation with competition. However, when we take a moment to “count [our] many blessings,” we see with a truer perspective and recognize the goodness of God  to all of His children.

From that talk I thought about the damage that comparison was doing, not only to my self-esteem, but with my relationship with others. It was keeping me from looking for good in others and myself.

With those thoughts on my mind, I heard this quote from Elder. J. Devn Cornish:

 Please, my beloved brothers and sisters, we must stop comparing ourselves to others. We torture  ourselves needlessly by competing and comparing. We falsely judge our self-worth by the things we  do or don’t have and by the opinions of others…The only opinion of us that matters is what our  Heavenly Father thinks of us. Please sincerely ask Him what He thinks of you. He will love and  correct but never discourage us; that is Satan’s trick.

From this quote and talk I was reminded of the need to look to God for my worth and not to others. And that was a freeing thought. It let me look for good in myself and in my efforts. It let me be kinder to myself when I didn’t measure up to others.

The scripture Ether 12:26-27 from the Book of Mormon was shared with me recently in regards to comparison. It says,

 …the Lord spake unto me, saying: Fools mock, but they shall mourn; and my grace is sufficient for    the meek, that they shall take no advantage of your weakness;

 And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they    may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they  humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto  them.

The speaker shared that the Lord does not give us weaknesses so that we will feel discouraged. He does not want us to compare our faults to others' strengths, but instead to humbly be grateful for them because they bring us closer to our Savior.

One thing that has touched me so much in our marriage is Jon’s confidence in me. When he asks me about my day he somehow always seemed amazed at what I accomplish. Even when it doesn’t seem like much. And more than that, he doesn’t measure success on what I do, but on who I am. He sees me in a way that I think Heavenly Father sees us all. When I confide in him my insecurities about not being good enough he points out the good in me. He points out that though my strengths may be different than someone else, that I have much to offer the world. And when I feel that way, I stop focusing on myself and turn my thoughts to others.

Theodore Roosevelt famously said:

    “Comparison is the thief of Joy.”  

Isn’t this so true?! Comparison does take the joy out of your life. It takes away joy from the successes you are having. It causes you focus on how you weren’t quite as good as someone else. And it also takes away from the joy of other’s successes because you are too inwardly focused to be happy for them.

Which leads me to one aspect of comparison that I have been miffed about. It is the fact that when we compare ourselves to others, we do not celebrate when others succeed. We see something good happening in another’s life and we think of how much we want that same thing in our life. We don’t let them relish in their moment of joy.

Let’s not take away their joy just to wallow in our own self pity. Why not be grateful that God has blessed them with so much? Why not be inspired by seeing the hand of God in their lives or let them relish in their accomplishment? Chances are it took a lot of hard work and help from Heaven to get where they are. Maybe they too felt discouraged when their blessing didn’t come the way they wanted it to. And now that they have received the blessing, why not let them celebrate?

I have noticed at times these negative thoughts and they have not lifted me up or encouraged me to lift up others. And lifting others, rather than ourselves, should be our focus.

How…glorious can be the sincere compliment of a friend, the cheerful greeting of a parent, the     approving nod of a sibling, or the helpful smile of a co-worker or classmate, all supplying fresh “wind in our sails” as we battle the challenges of life! 

*Read the rest of this quote here.

One of the songs that has come up a lot on my Christmas playlist is a song by Sara Bareilles, someone who always writes such eloquent lyrics, Love is Christmas. One part has hit home to me. It says,

Why so scared that you’ll mess it up

when perfection keeps you haunted?

All you need is your best, my love,

it’s all anyone ever wanted.

I thought of how much of a perfectionist I have become. I thought of how because of my busy schedule and comparing myself with others, I have allowed myself to pay more attention to my list of things to do than to those around me. And I realized that should not be my focus.

This Christmas and this new year my focus will be on being present, not perfect.

At this Christmastime, I want to propose that we stop looking at others with jealousy, but with compassion and understanding. And I also propose that we take some time to, as Justin Bieber said so eloquently (haha), “love ourselves”. Ask the Lord how He feels about you. I can guarantee that you will feel a deep sense of love. But seriously, what the world needs more of is love. Love for ourselves, love for God, and love for those around us.

“Never let a problem to be solved become more important than a person to be loved.”

Thomas S. Monson

Lessons in Resilience

This post was meant to be written at the end of last year, but it didn’t come together until now. I’m learning that inspiration and thoughts for these posts cannot be forced. They don’t come on a scheduled time. They only come when they come.

Those of you who know me really well know that every year I chose one word that will be my new focus for that year. It’s one of my absolute favorite things about the New Year. This tradition all started with a wonderful roommate of mine who was an English major and very, very good with words. She introduced it to me and the rest is history. (Thanks Charlotte.) I’ve had some really good words in the past that have inspired me to reach new heights and somehow every year I find something that sticks out and ends up being perfect for whatever is happening in my life.  

2015 was no exception. Those of you who have read my blog this past year have probably picked up on similar themes connecting each post. Most of the ideas for those posts stemmed from my “word” for 2015.

So, what was that “word”?

If you’ve read the title of this post, you already know. My “word” was…..

RESILIENCE

In my humble opinion, this is an incredible word. It has so many facets to it. There are so many directions you can go with it.

Now that the New Year has come and I have moved on to another “word” (a post for another day), let me share what resilience meant to me and some things I learned from the year 2015.

As many of you know, 2015 started out as a rocky year. I had some struggles with dating and in my career path that really shook my faith. I felt pretty abandoned by Heavenly Father and pretty much a complete failure. But just as that was all happening, God started teaching me some pretty significant lessons.

He taught me that experiencing failure doesn’t mean that you as a person are a failure. He taught me that often it is what we do after our failure that defines our future. He taught me that He had never and would never abandon me. He helped me to see past my failure to who I am, to the real success that was happening in my life, and to a greater understanding of His Son.

And then, he brought a word into my life. Though it was a word I had heard many times, when this word and idea was consistently brought up in multiple meetings and conversations, I knew that this was the word I needed to focus on. So that word, resilience, became my rock.

So, what does resilience mean? Sometimes resilience is used to refer to something that “bounces back” to its original form after physical trauma, like a boomerang.

Psychologytoday.com defines “resilience” as

“that ineffable quality that allows some people to be knocked down by life and come back stronger than ever. Rather than letting failure overcome them and drain their resolve, they find a way to rise from the ashes”.

To those who have read my blog in the past, this theme will sound familiar.

In the last couple weeks, I came across an article that described some ideas that I had subconsciously learned this past year. In the Harvard Business Review, Martin Seligman, the father of positive psychology (so cool!), discusses the idea of building resilience in soldiers. He noticed that there were three different responses from soldiers after trauma. Each began with a period of shock and depression. One group was more inclined to fall into PTSD, depression, or suicidal tendencies after trauma. Another group, after the initial shock and depression, within a month or two, were back to where they were before the trauma. But the last group was different. They responded initially with symptoms of depression and even PTSD, but by the end of the first year after the trauma, they were better off than they were before the trauma. It was incredible that something so hard had given them the chance of growth. They discovered that the key to never becoming helpless or the key to growth was something so simple, it was… optimism. (see optimism post)

Most of us begin life with a very optimistic outlook. Think back to life as a little kid. You were so excited to learn new things, you saw the good in others, and you believed that anything was possible. Then life happens to us. We find out that learning new things is sometimes tough and sometimes it displays the darkness that is in the world. We are let down by someone somehow. And at one time or another, we fail at our dream (see failure post).

After these things happen, many of us become cynical and lose that optimism. But the trick is to experience all the hurt, the being let down, the failure, and to stay optimistic. That is not blind optimism. That is the ability to look past hurt and darkness, and to see that there is still hope and light. Sure, there are hard things happening in the world, but there are so many good things. What’s important is what you focus on. And those who focus on the good and keep a sense of optimism are those who actually get things done. They actually succeed. Maybe not the first time, or the second time, but they have the stamina to keep going.

Let’s talk quickly about some things that are just plain good. What about the beautiful mountains? The beach, the smell of rain, little baby fingers and toes, chocolate, travelling, dancing, laughter, good books, soft blankets, the ability to see, pure love, the feel of grass beneath your feet, Mother Theresa, your kooky family that totally accept and get you and that make you laugh like no one else (even if you don’t always get along), friendships that last a lifetime, big-band music, serving others, peonies, a can’t-put-it-down-it’s-that-good book, cuddling, being outside, breathing, the warmth of summer, the joy of Christmastime, feeling close to God, good hair days, a clean room, tree-lined streets, the smell of roses, cheese, Modern Family, a kind word right when you need it, music you can’t help but sing to, compassion, trials, sunsets, Audrey Hepburn, the restored gospel of Jesus Christ, etc. Oh, that was fun! Just ponder on those for a while. Now if these things don’t appeal to you, make your own list. I promise you the world is filled with genuinely good things.

Now, back to the research mentioned before. What I loved about this idea and this research was not that it demanded perfection of the participants in order for growth to be achieved. Each person, no matter which group they eventually ended up being a part of, began the road to recovery with feelings of shock and depression. That taught me that resilience doesn’t mean that you never get discouraged. It doesn’t mean that you don’t feel deflated at times. It just means that you pick yourself back up after that has happened. And not only do you pick yourself up, you let that trauma make you better.

So, that’s what I did. I picked myself back up, began to trust the Lord more and more, and tried to not become bitter, but to open my heart to new paths and new strength. And the Lord helped me to grow.

During this past year I had the opportunity to visit a friend of mine that really exemplified resilience and helped me to grow. Her name is Josephine. Let me tell you about her. 

Josephine is a 94 year old fireball. She is so happy, so positive, and so in-love with life. She also is a widow...of 40 years! Can you believe that?! She has lived completely by herself since her husband passed and gets along very well, despite her age and ever-worsening eyesight. She surrounds herself with things she loves- her family and loved ones, the scriptures, good food, trinkets from all her travels, and hard work. She has the best work ethic I have ever seen. She does what needs to be done and she doesn’t stop until it’s done right. And she laughs, so often. She’s one of the happiest people I have ever met.

I remember weeks of going to visit her when I felt defeated and thinking, “Today I’m going tell Josephine about my struggles and she’ll understand. She’s been through so much.” Yet, when I would come to her house and her sweet smile would greet me, all my feelings of defeat would leave. I remember a few times beginning to share with her some feelings, but as I explained them to her, they somehow seemed obsolete. She ultimately did not share in the despair with me. Instead, her attitude lifted me to new heights and helped me to realize, as I said before, that it is what you focus on that determines how good your life is. She believed in me, she had hope for me when mine was gone, and her legally-blind eyes saw the beauty in life that mine could not see.

Josephine is one of the dearest people in the world to me.

I can only hope that I will ever be like her.

Throughout the year I continued to focus on resilience until one day it hit me. I am resilient. Now, as explained before, I am not perfect. I have been incredibly discouraged and felt equally defeated, but eventually have been able to rise above the trauma I have experienced and become better. I felt happy again and hopeful. And then I realized that it really wasn’t me.  Alma explained the way I felt so well, when he said,

I know that I am nothing; as to my strength I am weak; therefore I will not boast of myself, but I will boast of my God, for in his strength I can do all things.(Alma26:12, Book of Mormon)

Similarly, the Bible tells us

I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me. (Philippians 4:13)

Then I realized that the best way to be resilient is to rely on the Lord when hard things happen. He will make weak things become strong. He will help us know how to deal with the hurt, the darkness, the sadness, the failure. He will help us see the light and the hope. He will help us to grow.

Learning to have this kind of optimism has been so good for me. At some point during the year I found a quote from the poet, Erin Hanson, which perfectly described how I wanted to view my future.

What if I fall?

Oh, but my darling, 

               What if you fly?

I loved the quote so much that I put it on my wall.

In reading the book, The Power of Positive Thinking, by Norman Vincent Peale, I came across a passage that really resonated with me. (My dad would be so proud of me for reading this book.)

Children are more expert in happiness than adults. The adult who can carry the spirit of a child into middle and old age is a genius, for he will preserve the truly happy spirit with which God endowed the young.  The subtlety of Jesus Christ is remarkable, for He tells us that the way to live in this world is to have the child-like heart and mind. In other words, never get old or dull or jaded in spirit. (p. 62)

Sometime during this past year I was introduced to a book entitled Resilience, written by Elizabeth Edwards, wife of John Edwards. Considering all I’d been learning, I knew I needed to read this book. The book is an autobiographical description of how this wonderful woman rose from the challenges put in her path, including the death of her sixteen-year-old son, infidelity in her marriage, and a diagnosis of breast cancer. Elizabeth’s book showed me that, even though you may struggle, as you keep on fighting and never give up, you win the battle. Near the end of her book she wrote

I can live out my remaining days-however many there are-as a victim or I can try to experience them with an intensity that our mortality should have given us every day. I do not want to live as a victim. (p. 156)

If that isn’t optimism, if that isn’t hope, I don’t know what else is.

This year I learned to not be ashamed of my failures, to be motivated to keep trying, to believe in a bright future, to be a fighter, and to not give up. I am not perfect in resilience, but despite the trauma I have experienced this year I have seen growth in myself. I see myself becoming more resilient in relationships, resilient in going towards my dreams, resilient in believing in myself and my ability to change and get better, and resilient in my trust in God.

Let us live to turn our lives to the Lord.

Let us be confident in ourselves and trust in others.

Let us be ready to fall and then to pick ourselves back up and try again, and again, and again.

For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you and expected end…and there is hope in thine end. (Jeremiah 29:11, 31:17)