Enabled Beyond My Abilities

Hey everyone! It's been way too long. I apologize for my absence. My excuse is nursing school. It's been a busy semester. But a super good one. I just finished my last final, so I am officially done with my first semester. Yee-haw!   I wanted to write a quick post tonight before I go to bed about some things I've noticed this semester in the midst of the craziness of my life.

First off, here's a post I put on Instagram at the beginning of the semester:

Finished my first week of nursing school today. I am torn between the giddiness of being a part of something so good and something I feel so drawn to and intense feelings of being overwhelmed. I have felt both that I am so loved by my Father in Heaven and that I need to figure out how to structure my life to let all this overwhelming goodness in. This is going to be so time consuming! If you don't hear from me in the next little while, it's not because I don't care. It's just because God has granted me some of the deepest desires of my heart and I don't want to let Him down. Please pray for me!

Needless to say, I was terrified. And for good reason. They drill it into you when you start nursing school that you aren't going to have a life. That you need to prioritize your time and figure out what you can keep and what you need to say "no" to. That was stressful for me. I wanted to do it all. I had so much on my plate: working and average of 30 hours a week, nursing school 3-4 days a week (where I was told I needed to get an average of 80% on all my tests or I would fail), and so many other things. I learned quickly that I wasn't going to have time for everything.

So I did say "no" to some things, but they were relatively small. I cut down to 24 hours a week, had to miss seeing a dear friend once a week, and I had to go to bed pretty early each night. They were sacrifices, but I got so much in return.

A couple of weeks into nursing school things got a little crazier. One Sunday when I was feeling particularly overwhelmed, I received a text asking me to come speak with my bishop. I remember when I got the text, I had this feeling that I was going to be given a big assignment. I just remember feeling both a warning and a comfort. It was like I was being told, "I'm going to add more to your plate, but please trust me and take this. It will make your life so much better. And I will help you." So when I was asked to take on this calling/assignment, with tears coming down my face, I said yes. And I am so glad I did. It has been such a blessing to grow, help others, and to learn to rely on the Lord more.

So I went forward with faith, and a little bit of fear, but mostly faith. I knew that Heavenly Father would help me and He did.

Tonight thinking back on this last semester, it is so clear to me that I did not do this alone. Not only did I have time to do all that was required and asked of me, but I also had time for other things that brought me so much joy. I have been able to attend the temple regularly, which has helped me so much. I have been able to go to the mountains often, which has also helped me find comfort and so much enthusiasm for life. And as an added bonus, I have been able to make social things a small priority in my life, which I have found to be so important to my sanity.

During this time I have not been the perfect student, the perfect coworker, the perfect disciple of Christ, or the perfect friend. But I have tried. And Heavenly Father has blessed me abundantly.

Sometime during the middle of the semester, I started to really internalize the fact that I was not doing this alone and the abundance in which the Lord was helping me and I wrote down a list of things He had helped me with. Here are some of them:

       *Time to make school, work, church, and dating a priority (miracle)

       *Nursing group who was so supportive and encouraging (you know who you are)

       *Getting on average above 80% on all my tests

       *Able to wake up early most mornings

       *Not having my school books stolen when someone broke into my car (long story)

So here I am at the end of the semester. I did better than I thought I would on my finals. And as I was studying and worried sick, I felt a sweet assurance that He does want me to succeed. And He was there helping me.

Take a look at your own life. He's helping you more than you realize.

"Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct thy paths."

Proverbs 3: 5-6

*Thank you for all your prayers and support as well. They are incalculable.

Positive Vibes

So, it’s been a while. I’ve been thinking about writing something for the blog for a long time, but nothing has seemed right. Until the other day. It took a few days to write this, and I hope it brightens your day.

There have been a couple of changes in my life since I last wrote:

1) I officially decided to attend nursing school, (and it starts in two weeks!).

2) I moved to this adorable new area. Picture tree-lined streets with quaint and eclectic cottage-like homes. And I’m living in one of them. I even have a little path through the trees in my back yard. It feels so much like home!

3) I’ve been able to spend lots of time in the mountains (aren’t they glorious?!) and have taken half a dozen small road trips to visit various places in the area trying my best to enjoy the summer. It’s good to explore! Thank goodness for a job that allows me to work full time and to still have days off to do things like that.

4) Life has kept me busy with so many other good things, as it always does.

On paper it sounds like things are going really well. And really, they are. But I’ve been struggling a little.

When I first moved to my new area, I felt pretty alone and very unsure of myself. I think that’s pretty normal, right? But my case seemed to be extreme. I also felt very nervous to get to know people, more than I normal do. I’m not sure quite why. But being the goal oriented person that I am, I was determined to overcome that and made a long list of things I was going to do to keep me from being anti-social. I tried to push past these anti-social tendencies. And I made friends pretty quickly. People were so kind. Yet, I was impatient with my progress and still felt a lack of confidence.

I also started having anxiety about nursing school. I second guessed myself and started worrying about whether or not I could do this. I dreaded the day nursing school would start.

At the same time the Lord was trying to reach out to me.

A few weeks ago I felt that the Lord wanted me to know on no uncertain terms that the negativity I was feeling was holding me back from reaching my goals. It was making me discouraged, it was causing more problems, and it was impeding my progress. I’ve thought about that a lot lately.

My focus had drifted from what was important: Heavenly Father. The love I have for Him. The blessings and promises He has given me. And the joy I have in serving Him and His precious children.

Here are some things I have learned since.

I realized that my outward circumstances should never change the commitment I made to the Lord. I made a commitment to serve Him no matter what. And frankly, what I lack is never an indication that God does not love me or that He is not aware of me.

He taught me that positivity can do many things for me.

It can help fix my problems.

It can help me to really feel of the Holy Ghost and to feel closer to Him.

It can help me see goodness in my life.

It can help me think more realistically and clearly.

There really is power in positive thinking.

I have some real desires for my future and so many of them are coming true. I want to have influence. I want to serve others. I want to follow the Lord. Maybe other desires that I have may not yet be coming true, but why spend all my time focusing on those, when the Lord is blessing me in the here and now?

If I am following Him, why should I even doubt that my life isn’t turning out exactly as it should? I have a second chance at my dream career, I have a great support group (including newly formed friendships), and I have so many opportunities in my job, in church, in my family, and in social media to make a difference in other people’s lives. And if I don’t recognize these positive opportunities in my life, I will forget to take advantage of them and they will pass me by.

That is part of what He meant when He told me that my negativity was impeding my progress.

I have a quote in my bathroom by Audrey Hepburn (bless her!) that says, “Happy girls are the prettiest.”

Isn’t that the truth?!

I can definitely think of people in my life that completely radiate because of how positive they are. (Thanks Nina, Jaclyn, and countless others.) I am drawn to them. I want to be around them more. I want to be more like them.

But the opposite is also true. If you are always focused on the negative, people tend to shy away. 

Negativity was part of what was keeping me from wanting to make friends and may have also kept others away from me.

A week ago as I was working on endless tasks I had to prepare for nursing school and feeling a little overwhelmed with the commitment I was making and whether or not I was capable of all that was required of me, I was reminded that He was working right alongside me tirelessly to make sure everything came together for nursing school: inspiring me to check documents where I had forgotten some details, blessing me with advisors who were very understanding of my mistakes, etc. I was reminded that He was my advocate. That He was on my side. That all things would work together for my good because He would help me through this incredible challenge.

Like earlier this year, he said “Trust me. Please trust me.”  And I felt peace.

That feeling is so underrated.

Wasn’t it He that said “Be of good cheer”? (Matt. 14:27)

So I’ve decided to be excited about life. I really have no other choice after these experiences. Life is so good!

Positivity is a catalyst to overcome discouragement. It gives me more hope. It leads me to draw closer to my Heavenly Father and suddenly, I feel His Spirit more in my life.

So, in conclusion, I love the place my life is at. I am a force for good in the world. I have potential to do great things with God on my side. Why shouldn’t I be in awe of the goodness of my life?

God is moving Heaven and Earth to make good things happen in my life.

And I hope you can look at your life and feel the same way.

Only the Best

I am an optimist. Sometimes I forget that I am, but deep down, the positive is what my heart always clings to. When a stressful situation comes along, my immediate reaction is to forget about it, so that I can stay happy. I think a lot of us are like that. We want to believe that life is good and that there is beauty ahead for us. We want to lead hope-filled lives.

The topic of hope has been on my mind lately. Since the beginning of the year, as I already wrote about, I have been on a journey of regaining hope. And I have been surprised at what I have found. I often feel like the psalmist declared, “my cup runneth over” (Psalms 23:5).

Some recent experiences have reminded me of this hopeful feeling. As many around me, I recently visited the Payson Temple Open House. (Side note: I wanted to finish this post before the open house ended on May 23, so that I could get people excited about going, but my thoughts have not come together until now.)

To me, the Payson Temple was unlike most any other LDS temple that I’ve ever seen. It was absolutely breathtaking. If you’d like to see pictures of this magnificent temple click here. The detail put into the architecture- the furniture, the lovely stain-glass windows- was incredible. I felt like I was inside a palace.

As we walked into the celestial room, a room representing Heaven, I was stunned. I remember thinking, I don’t know if I deserve to be here. But almost immediately this thought came to my mind, Anneli, you deserve every good thing.

Now, this is a significant sentence that has stayed with me. Earlier this year I was in a relationship with a sweet boy who would often tell me that very same phrase. Every time He said that to me, it felt as if God, Himself was saying those very words to me. So naturally, when that phrase came to mind in the temple, I knew where it came from. And I felt hope.

Many times in the past 5 months I have felt hope fill me. It came after I wasn’t accepted to nursing school for the third time and found myself angry with God. But I learned my lesson as I yelled at Him. I learned being angry with God can only be a temporary thing.

I remember one day after being so angry with Him, I started to cry and to apologize in prayer for my anger. The overwhelming feeling that came to me that day was to just trust Him.

Just trust Him.

It was as if He was pleading with me.

So I started living my life that way: trusting Him and breathing hope into my life. I moved on from hurt. I didn’t let it touch me. I found strength from deep down inside me to move forward and to face the future with excitement. Many people rallied around me and buoyed me up. All of a sudden, my life was filled with light, even with the absence of some things that I had wanted so bad.

My relationship with others and with God grew.

And I felt happy.

I am a big believer that good things come to those who are happy and optimistic. Sometimes those good things are just a fresh look the life you already have. Sometimes those things are greater relationships. Sometimes the Lord helps you to radiate your happiness to touch the lives of others.

But those good things do come.

For me, recently something pretty good did come. And when I least expected it.

At the beginning of May I was working one day at the hospital. It was a pretty long day and I was exhausted, but in one of my rare lulls when I didn’t have anything pressing to do, I checked my phone and saw that I had received an email from Weber State University.

Let me give some background info first. When I applied to nursing school this year, I planned to apply only for the program at University of Utah because their short program made the most sense for someone who already had a bachelor’s degree. I put most of my effort into making sure that application was perfect. Then, almost as an afterthought, I applied to Weber State University.

When I heard back from both programs, I heard from University of Utah first that I did not make the cut. Then, a few weeks later, I found out that I had a spot on the alternate list at Weber State. Though there was a chance, I still didn’t plan on making it in this year.

So, back to the email. It said that they had an open spot and that they wanted to know if I was interested.

Well, I was.

I couldn’t believe it! My plans changed completely with that little email.

One thing that moment really taught me was that I should believe in myself. That good things could come my way. That my dream could become a reality.

I prayed so hard that night and many times since in gratitude.

As I have tried to decide what to do (and it sounds like an easy decision, I know) I have struggled to feel complete peace about attending Weber State. I don’t know why that is. But what I can say is that I am moving forward with faith and with hope with the plan of going to nursing school in the fall and fulfilling a nearly life-long dream of becoming a nurse. If not, there will be a better plan, I’m sure. I know that because I know that God is a God of goodness. I was reading the other day and read this passage: “In Christ there should come every good thing.” (Moroni 7:22)

My message to you today is that God is good. He has great plans ahead. Trust Him, please.

Don’t settle for anything less than His best.

We are His children and He only wants to give us His best. We don’t deserve it of our own 

accord, but yet, He wants to give it to us.

Believe that.

Whate'er Thou Art

So, this weekend is one of my favorites of the year. Not only is it Easter Sunday, but it is General Conference. General Conference is a semi-annual gathering of all members of the LDS faith from around the world where we hear from leaders of our church, people that God directs today. There are 4 different sessions of conference that are two hours each, two sessions on Saturday and two on Sunday. What a better way to celebrate the Resurrection of the Savior of the World than to hear from His chosen servants today?!

Just wanted to share with you a quick experience from conference a few years ago that changed my life.

The year 2013 was an eventful year for me. I had 3 trips to the ER (which broke my clean streak of never having gone before), spent a month in a wheelchair, and went on a semester study abroad trip to Spain. There were many unbelievable blessings that came from that year: so many unexpected tender mercies that I could have never imagined, so much outpouring of love from Heavenly Father and from those around me, and so many incredible opportunities that I had never before had. But at the beginning of that year, my immediate future did not seem to have much promise.

I was in my 9th semester of college, with at least a year left to go. Life seemed so mundane and dull. The purpose I had had 6 months previous--serving as a missionary for my church bringing people to the Savior every day-- was gone. Most of my dear friends had graduated and moved away while I was on my mission and I was still stuck in school. Now, my life wasn’t horrible by any means. I was living a comfortable life with all my basic needs met. Yet I was stuck in the routine-ness and doldrums of life without much promise for change.

So I began watching conference with some concerns on my mind. One of those concerns was how I could find greater hope and faith in my future. In the very first session, I found the answer I was looking for. Sister Elaine S. Dalton, who at the time was the leader of all young women of the church ages 12-18, gave a talk entitled “We Are Daughters of our Heavenly Father”. One phrase that she spoke pierced my soul. It was “Whate’er thou art, act well thy part”.

Elaine Dalton is one of the most enthusiastic people that I know. She always seems happy and full of hope. Yet in this talk, she shared of a time when she was young and discouraged after her father had passed away. When she was travelling through Europe, she saw a stone carved with the phrase I mentioned before-- “Whate’er thou art, act well thy part”.

Here are her words:

That simple statement renewed my vision that Heavenly Father knew me and had a plan for my life, and the spirit I felt helped me understand that my part mattered…

As [children] of God we are each unique and different in our circumstances and experiences. And yet our part matters—because we matter. Our daily contributions of nurturing, teaching, and caring for others may seem mundane, diminished, difficult, and demeaning at times, and yet as we remember that first line in the Young Women theme—“We are daughters of our Heavenly Father, who loves us”—it will make all the difference in our relationships and our responses.

Did you see that?! She talked about life being “mundane” and “diminished”. She talked about life contributions seeming “demeaning” at times—the exact feelings that I had at the time. Yet she realized that no matter what we do, OUR PART MATTERS. WE MATTER.

I had no idea what was to come, both the trials and the blessings. I had no idea that my life was about to change from being simply mundane to being filled with great adventure. But I knew then in that moment, that what I was doing was so important. I had renewed hope that I had influence over those around me. I remembered who I was. I began sharing my testimony with others more and trying to be a light to others.

I know these simple words were given to me, not only from Elaine Dalton, but from Heavenly Father. He knew what I was going through. He knew where I had been, and where I was going. And He wanted to prepare me for what was to come. The saying “Whate’er thou art, act well thy part” became a motto for my life at that time. And then, a month later, when I fell off of a 30 foot cliff and my way of life changed drastically as my body recovered, I knew without a doubt, that the Lord knew who I was and that this accident was all part of His plan. I knew He had protected me and kept me alive or a reason.  I knew that I needed to “act well my part” and to experience the recovery process gracefully. During that time, I felt so strongly that the Savior of the World was strengthening me—small, insignificant me—through His Atonement. I knew that my part mattered and that I mattered.

I promise that the Lord knows you. He knows you intimately. And He speaks to His servants today. This weekend, I invite you to take time to listen to the words spoken by Prophets, Apostles, and other leaders He has chosen. The words will be given to you as if from the Lord Himself. Go with concerns. Go with questions. He will answer them. He will guide you. He will comfort you.

I know that He is real and I know He Lives.

Failure and Worth

Over the past month or so I have been gathering my thoughts about FAILURE. I have come across much inspiration during this time that has helped me to change my view of failure and be more at peace with the way my life is going, and I figured that I am not the only one out there with these feelings, so I thought I would share.

Growing up as the oldest of six, I was always told that I had to be an example to others. In junior high and high school, I felt like I was achieving the goal of setting a good example. I had what I thought were important responsibilities in church and I was trying to follow the gospel as I should. In high school I had success in the classes and other activities as well. In general, I felt like I was setting a good example for my siblings and others around me. Senior year, I got into Brigham Young University,--the only school I applied for -- and I decided to go.

Once I got into my university studies, it seemed to become harder to succeed. This was especially true when it came to my major. I knew from early on that I wanted to be a nurse. I worked hard in classes and applied to the nursing program, yet I wasn’t accepted. I was dating, yet my relationships seemed to always end so quickly. Two major goals in life, nursing and marriage, seemed so far away. I began to feel like a failure. But with time, I saw the Lord’s purposes for me. 

He wanted me to study Public Health and to prepare to go on a mission for my church. He helped me to know that it wasn’t His will that I be in the BYU nursing program and the higher purpose that I had to serve Him as a missionary. I felt contented and happy with my life.

Now, 4 years later, I have returned from an  I N C R E D I B L E  mission and have graduated from BYU in Public Health. I achieved those two great goals and I felt content with life. Now seemed like time for the other two goals to become a reality: becoming a wife and becoming a nurse. 

In January of this year I had a moment where I saw the possibility of these two goals being fulfilled. I was dating someone that I really liked. And I was applying for nursing school and felt more confident than ever in this goal. But now, just two months later, both of those steps I had taken have in a sense “failed”. Things didn’t work out with that guy and I found myself, yet again, single. And soon after that I got back yet another rejection letter from nursing school. I had a moment-- well actually a period of time-- when I was going in between feeling peace about my future and feeling angry with God and myself that I had failed yet again.

I kept hearing voices in my head saying,

“Well, Anneli, you did it again.”

“Why can’t you get it together?”

“Why can’t you commit to anything?”

“Maybe you’re not good enough to be a nurse.”

Even though those thoughts were only in my head, to me they were real and I was convinced that when I told other people my setbacks, those would mimic their thoughts about me. I felt that I was letting people down. I wasn’t setting a good example and my life really didn’t seem to have any purpose.

I know this all sounds a little mellow dramatic, but when you are going through life crises, the despair you feel always seems justified in the moment.

I began to become more and more focused on myself and my failure. I gave in to discouraging thoughts. I became angrier with myself and Heavenly Father. I felt anti-social because I didn’t want people to ask about my life.

--

But during this time multiple events and conversations have been given to me to change my mind about failures:

My dear roommate one night decided to have me listen to a devotional from BYU’s new president, Kevin Worthen entitled “Successfully Failing”. At the time, neither of us knew that I would be rejected from nursing or what was to come. This devotional awoke something in me that said, “failure isn’t always bad”. He pointed out that it is how we respond to failure that often determines our future success. One thing he mentioned that really hit me was that we should focus less on ourselves and more on the Savior when we fail. We should turn to Him for guidance and worth.

A couple weeks later, I attended church activity where we talked about “successfully failing”. One girl mentioned something that really stuck with me. She said, “When you focus on one failure in your life, you miss other successes that you had during that same time.”

On Valentine’s Day I went on a lovely hike with an old friend and a new one. It was pleasant, as being in mountains always is. Somehow during our conversation we started talking about life and I opened up and shared with them both my fears of the failure I was having. My new friend became very pensive and shared that he was feeling similarly about his life-- a huge relief that I wasn’t alone-- but that the more he learned about others, the more he realized that they too experience failure in life. It is something we all experience at one point or another. He also pointed out that people that originally seemed to have the “perfect” life also had much heartache.

I was on a date recently and opened up to my date a little about how I don’t always feel successful. He turned to me and said, “I think you hold yourself to too high a standard.”

Lastly, I came across the commencement speech that J.K. Rowling gave at Harvard in 2008. It was entitled “The Fringe Benefits of Failure”.  Now, if you don’t know much about J.K. Rowling’s life prior to her incredible success as an author, you should look into it. She had a lot of setbacks that she had to overcome before she gained any of the success she has now. And in the commencement speech, she talks about that failure and how it was such a turning point for her. That it helped her realize what was really important in her life and helped her develop into something much stronger.

--

These experiences have changed my perspective drastically.

Failure is not always bad. It has the ability to strip you down to the core and make you really realize what you do have.

As for me, these failures aren’t bad failures. I now have the opportunity to re-evaluate my life and open myself up to new possibilities that I wouldn’t have seen otherwise, both in dating and in school. And in my closeness to the Lord.

Successes that I have had during this time are a little more personal to me, but include binding myself closer to the Savior, finding success in my current job as a nurse assistant at the hospital, and learning to sacrifice something good for a better future.

I thought of my job that I have now as a nursing assistant and what a nurturing role I have in that job and how my part influences others. And I realized that I was looking way past the mark. I was focusing too much on this lofty goal of nursing, while forgetting the reason for that goal: that I wanted to serve and take care of people. Well, that’s what I am doing right now. And I have an incredibly awesome job because I get to influence people in that way.

I have had the chance to re-vamp my plans for nursing and open up myself to possibilities I wasn’t willing to look at before. I have felt reassured to not give up on this goal yet.

I thought of success I have had in relationships and all I have learned and how much I know the Lord has led me to and away from people that were important for me at the time and how He will continue to lead me to something good at a future date.

Although I am not catholic, I decided to participate in Lent this year, and to give up something that would be very hard for me: negative thoughts. I realized-- like my date said-- that I have too high of expectations for myself and, in my mind, if I don’t reach those expectations right now, that must mean that I am a failure and my life has no purpose. I let those thoughts sink in to the point where I lost all confidence in myself and became bitter. That’s not me. That’s not what I am meant for.

Basically, what it came down to was humility. I was so focused on my own will and desires, that I forgot that Heavenly Father had a greater plan. And I forgot to trust Him.

During this time, the Lord has reached out to me in many ways to remind me that He is still here. Becoming angry or bitter only makes you block out God’s love in your life. But He will never stop loving you. I needed to humble myself and return to His light and His love.

And it is the sweetest feeling.

Sweeter than any success I could be having.

I received a sweet note from a friend out of nowhere telling me that no matter what I did in life, I would have a nurturing role. Other people have rallied around me at this time as well to lift me and help restore my confidence.

Thank you all for that.

Maybe there are some out there who look at my life and think that I am leading or must be leading a perfect life. Well, I am. It is perfect for me. But as you can see by this post, my path is not paved with ease and immediate success. Rather, I have seen much heartache and disappointment. But in all of it, I want to remember that life is not always about getting what we want. It is about what we make of what we’ve been given. And it is about how we use that to serve others.

I had forgotten one huge truth: that I am a child of God. And He will never forsake me. Much of our heartache comes from forgetting that truth. Yet the magnitude of that truth should stop us from ever feeling like failures.

Our worth is not dependent upon our ability to _____ (fill in the blank with any accomplishment). 

We are not failures. 

You are not a failure. 

I am not a failure.

We have infinite worth in His eyes. As we are following Him and doing our best, the outcome always leads to success. It will always lead to greater fulfillment of His goals “to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man” (Moses 1:39).

That is the real definition of success for me: that I am doing what He would have me do.