Thoughts on Competition

I've been meeting with a therapist now for over a year. In that year I have realized a lot about myself and the way I react to different situations. I've also learned some of the pitfalls that come with being Anneli that make some things in life harder than they should be. One of those things that I've noticed in particular is that I compare myself to others a lot. I want to write about this because, from my experience, I think we all do this to a certain extent. Comparison is not always a bad thing. Like stress, I think a healthy amount of it can motivate us to change and work hard to become better. But there is definitely a toxic form of comparison that leads to competition that I noticed I fall into more often then I care to admit. 

When I was a student at BYU, I was surrounded by a lot of high achievers. It was easy to compare myself to those who had summer internships lined up in October, who got into their programs of choice easily, who always had boyfriends, etc. and feel "less than". When I was in a good mindset, I realized that when I focused on learning from those people, I would often be inspired to be better myself. And when I focused on being inspired by others, it was easier for me to make connections and friendships with those people that I admired. When I spent too much time in comparison and jealousy, I missed out on those friendships because I spent too much time "competing" with them. 

The idea of this competition with others leads to a belief that in order for me to be good enough, I need to be better than others. Though this is far from true, and I believe and know that we all have our own goodness and our own unique strengths and successes, it often puts me at odds with other people. These thoughts that I have are rarely spoken, but they are still there in my head. 

This often comes from what is called a "scarcity mindset". A scarcity mindset says that success or beauty can only be had by a few and that there is not enough success, beauty, happiness, etc. to go around for everyone, so we must fight to get that. This pins us against each other. It discourages us. It keeps us from being inspired by others and new friendships. And it is just plain not true.

I've found myself falling into that mindset with some particular situations I am in right now and God is trying to nudge me out of this bad habit. It sometimes feels so easy to see others' lives and wish mine was different or see something they have and want to show them up by having something better, which sounds absolutely ridiculous, I know. But instead of these responses building me up, I've found myself feeling pretty discouraged.

In 2 Nephi 26:27-28, speaking of the Savior, it says: "Hath he commanded any that they should not partake of his salvation? Behold I say unto you, Nay; but he hath given it free for all men..Behold, hath the Lord commanded any that they should not partake of his goodness? Behold, I say unto you. Nay; but all men are privileged the one like unto the other, and none are forbidden."

All. Everyone. We all can partake of the goodness of God. We all have His heart, His love. We do not earn it, we do not compete for it. He has enough love for all of and each one of us.

Quick thoughts from others on this topic:

"Beauty isn't a limited resource in our world. Neither is love, attraction, validation, peace, intelligence, or happiness. But a world with narrow and highly prized ideals about bodies divides us into hierarchies of who looks right and who doesn't, and then ties our hopes for achieving all of those good things to our ability to climb the hierarchy. This pits us against our own bodies and each other in a constant state of comparison -- whether to our past selves, or future body goals, or the woman in the office down the hall...Research shows that women not only feel worse about their bodies after comparing them to others', but also feel less connection and unity toward the women they're measuring themselves against. If everyone is a competitor, no one is really on your team. When you harshly judge yourself, your self-consciousness is magnified, and this preoccupation with your looks leads you to feel isolated and competitive. The very act of self-comparison, even when it's a favorable comparison, not only causes our body image to plummet, but it also causes us to feel divided, alone, antagonistic, and distanced from other women -- both in real life and online." 

More Than a Body by Lindsay and Lexie Kite, pp. 122 and 126

I highly recommend this book, by the way.

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"No one of us is less treasured or cherished of God than another. I testify that He loves each of us--insecurities, anxieties, self-image, and all. He doesn't measure our talents or our looks; He doesn't measure our professions or our possessions. He cheers on every runner, calling out that the race is against sin, not against each other." 

The Other Prodigal, Jeffrey R. Holland, General Conference of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, April 2002

This is an amazing talk on a similar subject-envy.

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I recently listened to Abby Wambach on the Dare to Lead podcast by Brené Brown. She shared a story that was really profound. In 2015, she was playing soccer with Team USA during the Women's World Cup (which they ended up winning). This was her last year with the team and her last championship. At the end of the tournament Abby was benched on the sidelines. She was devastated and her ego was hit, but she eventually made the decision to put in as much energy to cheering on her teammates as she would have put into playing the game. 

This is how she described it: "And so, I had a decision. Okay, am I going to be a good teammate and sit on the bench and cheer my team on? Or am I going to live inside of my ego? Be a bad teammate, pout and try to show the world that I was good enough, that I should be the starter...I would be lying if I said that I didn’t want to be on the field. That was what I imagined for the previous year leading into this championship, me on the field like I always had been. So yeah, you’re allowed to be devastated and disappointed when life benches you in some way, but what you aren’t allowed to do is miss your opportunity to lead, because every single thing that I had yet to learn about leadership was in fact sitting right there next to me on that bench. And something that I’ve actually just realized, Brené,... is what I did in those moments of accepting the role that I was given, no matter whether I agreed with it or not, what I did in that acceptance was it gave the players on the field the confidence to go out there and play, because what my acceptance was, was also acceptance of them, and it was a belief in that, so they were able to go out and do the thing....But what that did long-term, it’s crazy to think about it for four or five, six years ago that this happened, that it hammered into stone the kind of person that I am to those teammates. So when they call me now, they call when their lives fall apart, when they need me, because they know that I’m going to show up, because they know that I chose them over myself and my ego in those moments. And so I was labeled “Great Captain, Great Leader,”... and I am more proud in many ways of the way that I responded to that life’s benching than any other goal that I ever scored for Team USA." 

This is what can happen if we let go of competing and start cheering on others.

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The story in the New Testament of the woman caught in adultery teaches us some good lessons. When the scribes and Pharisees came to Jesus with this sinner asking Him to condemn her, they were trying to make themselves look better. They were so caught up in the comparison and the competition that they didn't see the woman who needed help. Who needed love and redemption. (John 8)

We've all heard about the division in our world right now, and I do think that this sense of competition adds to that division. What would the world be like if we let go of competition? 

I think we would work together more and remember that we are all on this journey together.

We would cheer on others' successes and lead others to greater success.

We would each have greater self-confidence and that would help us to focus on helping others. 

We would make more friends and deepen current friendships. 

We would be more willing to mourn with those who mourn. 

We would listen to other people's viewpoints and opinions with openness. 

We would encourage each other and feel encouraged ourselves. 

We would stop shutting people out and instead, open our hearts and let them in. 

We would learn from their strengths and we would be more inspired. 

We would think of others as brothers and sisters to love and to help instead of competitors.

The list would go on and on. 

So how can we stop this competition? I think first is to notice it, then second, we need to learn about our divine worth. We need to help ourselves believe in that worth, whether that be through prayer, mantras we tell ourselves, etc. Then, when we feel deeply of our own worth, we need to focus on understanding the worth of others. Look for the good in them. Notice it and tell them. Learn from them. 

Let's cheer each other on. We are not in competition with each other. There is enough beauty, success, joy, and love to go around. We need each other. Why would we want to miss out on more friendships and connections with people that could bring so much more richness to our lives?

You are loved. You are enough. Believe it. It is true. 

Now go and love others.

Thoughts on Coping

It’s been a while since I have taken up writing. I mostly don’t feel like I have time to write or space in my brain to process everything going on or everything I am learning. It’s been a tough year and we’ve all gone through so much. I wrote a blog post early in the pandemic about all the good that had come of the pandemic so far. I’ve since wondered if that was insensitive, since so many are struggling in so many ways and it doesn’t always help to hear about other people’s blessings when you are in a hard place. I’ve thought so much about what I could write about to help myself process and to maybe put some good out into the world, and have never been sure just what to write. But today, I was looking at my notes and I figured something was better than nothing. So here it is.

For me, when I’m struggling, it often helps to learn things that I can do to keep going. To keep holding on. There have been many things that I have learned and many things I have turned to this last year that have helped me to handle some of the weight of all that is happening in my life and in the world. These ideas I’ll share may be helpful for you and they may not, so if this doesn’t enlighten you, that’s totally fine. Keep doing what you’re doing and know that God is there to help. I don’t think I am an expert on these things, but I have found some different ideas that have helped me over the past year, and I thought I might help someone by sharing them.

I know we’re all barely hanging on right now. It’s been a long year and we’re not sure of the future. We all need to give ourselves a little bit of grace for how it has gone. The first thing I’ll share that I have loved is Morgan Harper Nichols and all her positive thoughts. Here are a couple nuggets that she posted recently on Instagram:

“Give yourself some credit. Be proud of yourself for all the little ways you’ve learned to find joy in the waiting.” (Feb 23)

“I am making the brave decision to keep going anyway.” (Feb 17)

“The time you are taking right now to embrace your slow and steady growth matters more than you know.” (Feb 5)

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Recently I read the book Burnout by Emily and Amelia Nagoski. One of their big takeaways from the book is the idea of completing the cycle of an emotion. Here’s how they describe it :

“Instead of hitting the brake on our stress, we gently remove our foot from both the accelerator and the brake and allow ourselves to coast to a stop. TO do that, you create the right context and trust your body to do its thing...Emotions are like tunnels: you have to walk all the way through the darkness to get to the light at the end.”

I see this as allowing stress to flow through your body, instead of stuffing it down until it boils up to bursting. 

Here are some ideas they give that may help you “complete the cycle” of your emotions: 

-Run, walk, or other physical activity

-Sleep

-Meditation or mindfulness

-Allowing a good cry (But don’t wallow in it)

-Art

-Self-kindness

I’ve tried this and it has sincerely worked. When I’m dealing with disappointment and I have allowed myself to grieve the loss, I more quickly can move on from those feelings, then if I tried to talk myself out of the grief.

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Philippians 4:6-7 has been one of my go-to scriptures.

“Be careful for nothing*; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.”

*Footnote: Don’t be unduly concerned about anything.

When I can’t find control in my life. When I don’t have answers, I know that God somehow does understand. I know that I can turn to Him and He will give me the strength I need. 

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I have owned the book Good to Great by Jim Collins for years now and never read it. I put in on my “must read” list this year to make it finally happen. I read it about a month ago and was surprised at how many of these business principles were applicable to everyday life. One that really stuck out to me was the Stockdale Paradox.

The idea behind the Stockdale Paradox is to have faith that you will succeed in the end, but not to put limits on what that means. No matter what obstacles you may face, you cannot let those discourage you. 

The idea comes from a man who was a prisoner of war for 12 years. He observed many people come into the camp while he was there. Some would come in saying “we will be out of here by Christmas”. When that came and went, they would say, “we’ll be out of here by Easter”, and that would come and go. Eventually they just gave up because their expectations weren’t met. But the man decided that he would keep his unwavering faith that, no matter when and no matter what the obstacles he faced, he eventually would get out. And he did. He was one of the only people the survive the camp.

For me, I’ve had similar thoughts with the pandemic. I first thought, this will be done by May, then by July, etc. My date just kept getting pushed back further and further and I kept grieving over and over again and becoming more and more hopeless. I liked the idea of the Stockdale Paradox because it allows me to keep having hope that things will get better, but not set a date for that to happen.

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I kind of feel like I’m over sharing ideas here, but I don’t want to leave out some very inspiring and motivating talks from the October 2020 General Conference from my church, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter day Saints. I won’t say too much about them here, but feel free to click on the link and go read them for yourself. They touch on turning to God to become more like Him, and on our relationships with others.

Becoming Like Him by Scott D. Whiting

Let Patience Have Her Perfect Work, and Count it All Joy! by Jeremy R. Jaggi

By Union of Feeling We Obtain Power with God by Sharon Eubank (She is amazing!)

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Lastly, I have been thinking about how each person on this planet at some level can understand the struggles of another during this time. We are all facing the same struggle. And we’re facing it together. I’ve heard it called collective trauma. Each person has experienced some form of heartache because of this pandemic. Some have lost jobs, some have lost people they love, and we’ve all lost time, and sense of peace, and a feeling of closeness with those around us. It has been so hard for us all, yet, on the other end of it is a loving God who somehow has the power to reach us each individually. Even when we all are suffering. He can still touch us one by one. He can touch our hearts and help us heal, however slowly that may be. 

I know that some may wonder how an all-knowing God could let this happen to His children, and I can’t claim to know why, but I love the scripture verse in the Book of Mormon that says, “I know that he (God) loveth his children; nevertheless, I do not know the meaning of all things” (1 Nephi 11:17). Sometimes that small reminder that God loves us all is enough for me to take that next small step forward into the dark, knowing that somehow He will be right there with me. 

Since we are all suffering, let’s try to share compassion with others who are feeling the same way. There doesn’t need to be a shortage of compassion in the world, especially when we all understand something of what the other person may be going through.

Brené Brown said it best:

“I’ve learned a lot from research about the danger of comparative suffering and the race to misery. If we believe empathy is finite, like pizza, and practicing empathy with someone leaves fewer slices for others, then perhaps comparing levels of suffering would be necessary. Luckily, however, empathy is infinite and renewable. The more you give, the more we all have. That means all pain can be met with empathy- there’s no reason to rank and ration.”

I sincerely hope that you are doing okay. That you see some light at the end of the tunnel. That you give yourself some grace. That you let things go. That you rest. That you find something to laugh about, even when you are so tired and worn out. I’m trying to do the same.