Finding God during a Pandemic

For some reason recently I have been had a persistent prompting to share some thoughts on here. I hope this message can bring some hope and peace into your life.

Earlier this week I had a really great conversation with a patient at my work. He shared with me two experiences that he’s had over the past 5 years. The first experience happened when he had one health problem, and while getting treated for that and found out that he also had bladder cancer. Luckily, he found it early enough to that it was small and easily treated. The second was about a year ago, when he had an episode of Atrial-fibrillation (a dangerous heart arrhythmia that can lead to a heart-attack or stroke), and because of that he had an MRI, and also found out that he had lung cancer. Again, it was found early and quick enough for them to treat it before it became a bigger problem. I mentioned how lucky he had been to have those other issues that helped him find each of those cancers so quickly. He just looked at me and pointed up, and said, “He was looking out for me.” I was touched by the testimony that patient witnessed to me that day. I’ve reflected on it since and on his ability to see God in the unexpected in his life. He could instead be focusing on all the health problems he’s had over the past few years, but he has chosen to see the good that has come of these challenges. And to credit it all to God. Again, I was so touched.

I thought about that in light of all that has been happening in the world recently. It’s as if we’ve all been given our own new “cancer diagnosis”, with all the changes and challenges that have been happening in the world. With the COVID-19 pandemic putting the world and life on pause, so many people are struggling and so many lives have been changed in very challenging ways. Some people are homeschooling unexpectedly, some are doing that on top of working full-time. Some of us have family, friends, or themselves who are fighting this disease. Some have been dealing with being laid off or furloughed because of the government measures to stay-at-home. Many important events we were looking forward to were cancelled. Most of us have not been able to see friends or loved ones for a long time. I don’t want to discount those challenges at all because they have been hard for each of us. And whatever you are experiencing, someone else's experiences don't discount the suffering you may be experiencing. I think about this suffering often and I pray that this pandemic will not go on too much longer so each of us struggling will soon find relief.

But in other ways, I have noticed for me, at least, that there have also been a lot of opportunities to see God in this new chapter of the world and in my life. I wanted to share some of those that I have seen in hopes that it will trigger some ideas that you can see God in your current experiences as well. Not an inexhaustible list, but here’s what I can think of in the moment:

·      Being furloughed for six weeks and having so much free time on my hands.

·      Jack learning so many words and growing every day and being able to watch it all first hand. Being able to spend so much quality time with him and Jon as we literally spent 24x7 together with Jon working from home.

·      Painting a lot more and how much joy it has brought me to create and to grow in my talents.

·      Practicing piano daily, something I haven’t done in years.

·      Exploring the beautiful PNW spring and nature close to us because we can’t explore anywhere else.

·      Having a balcony. Even if it’s not a backyard, we can still get outside without having contact with other people.

·      Having lots of natural light in our apartment.

·      Trying new restaurants around us as we try to support local businesses.

·      Talking to our extended family more and feeling much more connected to them.

·      The wonder of technology that allows us to see family and friends still even though we don’t see them in person.

·      So much time for baking that we wouldn’t do otherwise. Yum!

·      Our little Etsy shop getting more orders than we normally have this time of year.

·      Kindness from others: people reaching out to me that wouldn’t otherwise. A chance to notice the support that I have in my life.

·      A lot more hellos from strangers from a six feet distance.

·      Feeling closer to my neighbors than ever before and receiving sweet notes from them.

·      Almost finished with the Harry Potter series again that I cannot get enough of and reading lots of other books that remind me what kind of person I want to be.

·      Lots of Steve Rick’s videos so we plan future traveling. J

·      Putting up tents inside and making forts and other creative activities, (though I may have run out of creative inside activities for a one year old).

·      Home church and regularly baring testimony to each other and to Jack. Feeling like our home can be like Heaven at times. And hearing testimonies from family members who live farther away.

·      So much time to think about and practice the type of parent I want to be.

·      Trying to listen more deeply to Gods voice in my life because I feel like I need Him more now.

·      So many different free online resources that I have been able to benefit from.

·      Seeing so many people in the world show kindness to one another.

·      Feeling more grounded and confident in who I am and what’s important to me.

·      Evening walks and communes with God that wouldn’t have happened otherwise.

·      More time to think about and execute service to others. On top of that, feeling more refreshed and ready to serve.

·      The fact that we bought a car that we desperately needed just in the nick of time before all of the social distancing started happening.

·      More gratitude for small things.

·      More time to finish projects that I’ve been “working on” for years.

·      More time to just simply rest.

·      Experiencing more compassion for others.

·      Making the world feel closer to me because it’s just as easy to connect with someone from another side of the country as it is to connect with a neighbor down the street.

·      Remembering how much I need people and learning to reach out to them more consistently.

·      Waking up to Jack saying “Mama” every morning.

This last week I have had the opportunity to start going back to work a little, after being gone for six weeks. Now that I have a little less time at home, and my life, in a small way, is going back to what it was like before COVID-19, I’ve been brainstorming how to continue living in the same way that I was during those six weeks. I feel in many ways like a completely different person now than I was then. I still miss so many things that we used to have and that we used to be able to do. But I also cherish things more and have worked out what my priorities need to be more than ever before. My word for 2020 is “intentional” and my goal was to be more thoughtful about how I use my time. I feel like I am so much closer to that now than ever. I will love more deeply, reach out to others more, make sure I carve out time to develop my talents, reach out to God more deeply, and bare testimony to my little family more often.

I am so grateful to have seen God in so many aspects of my life during this challenging time. How have you seen God in your life?

Being Kind to Yourself

Note: I originally wrote this for a community that I love, A Voice of Gladness, but wanted to share it here as well.

On December 31, 2019, I took a pregnancy test. Three minutes after taking the test I looked down and saw two little lines. This is not necessarily what I had expected. I had so many ambitious New Year’s resolutions and plans for the year 2020, and being pregnant would complicate things a little.

As a mother of a fifteen-month old, I was thinking of trying to go back to work part time, my husband and I were going to buy a house right around the time this new baby would be due, and I could finally fit into my favorite skinny jeans again. This was going to change how that year was going to look. It took me a week or two to totally accept the news. I really was excited to continue to grow our family and so grateful for this new gift of life, but in shock at the timing of it all. (I should note that I know so many struggle with infertility and I shouldn’t feel anything but gratitude for a new baby).

Right about the time that the news all started to set in that I was pregnant is when the nausea and fatigue also settled in. I felt like I could barely get up in the morning to take care of my son. And each time he went down for a nap, I did too. It was all I could do to stay awake in between nap times and it was hard to keep down anything. It was hard to get out of the house because of how I was feeling. Add to that the darkness of winter, and I found myself in a very isolated, dark place. I started feeling like I wasn’t doing anything, that no one cared about me, and that I wasn’t a good wife or mother.

Being Kind to Yourself

During this same time, a friend mentioned the idea of being kind to yourself. She spoke of how just paying attention to her inner voice had her realizing how self-destructive her thoughts were and, in turn, had led her to change those thoughts.

That prompted me to start listening to my own inner voice. I would hear things like, “Why can’t you just stay awake for once and get something done?”, “How can you be so lazy?”, “No one cares about you”, “You are barely taking care of your son, how are you going to take care of another one?”, “How can you think of going back to work feeling like this?”, etc. I was appalled when I realized how harsh I was being on myself, almost without realizing it. I would never say those things to a friend of mine, why would I say those things to myself?

At this same time, while my husband and I were making some big decisions, I received a priesthood blessing. The words spoken in that blessing were in such contrast to the things I had been telling myself: “You are so loved”, “He believes in you”, “He is guiding you”, “You are the mom your children need”, etc. I was struck by the love that the Lord had for me. It was such a powerful reminder to me that I am known by and important to God.

God’s Love

Romans 8, verses 35, 38-39 states:

“Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?…

For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come,

Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

This scripture has long been a favorite of mine, but at this time in my life, it was a life-line to remind me of my individual worth. It reminded me that God’s love for us never changes. It is not dependent on our achievements or accomplishments. He loves us simply because we are His children and have great worth. So why do we often have such negative self-talk when we don’t live up to our high expectations or the expectations that others put on us?

Knowing You are a Child of God

Another passage of scripture that has taught me about the power of knowing who we are is found in the book of Moses chapter 1 (excerpt from the translation of the Bible, as revealed to the prophet Joseph Smith).

In this story, Moses talks with God, face to face. While talking to Him, God tells Moses he is His son. He also tells Moses that He has a work for him to do. Soon after speaking with God, Satan comes to tempt Moses. Satan says, “Moses, son of man, worship me.” Satan calls him a son of man, but Moses knows that he is a son of God.

Moses responds, “Who art thou? For behold, I am a son of God, in the similitude of his Only Begotten; and where is thy glory, that I should worship thee?”

Because Moses knew who he was, he could not be deceived into thinking he was anything less than a child of God. I think that is powerful. When we are faced with temptations to see ourselves as less than, we can remind ourselves of our worth by declaring that we are children of God.

In a wonderful message given by Gary E. Stevenson, he says this about this scriptural passage:

“There is much we can learn from Moses’s mighty response to temptation from the adversary. I invite you to respond the same way when you feel influenced by temptation. Command the enemy of your soul by saying: ‘Go away! You have no glory. Do not tempt or lie to me! For I know I am a child of God. And I will always call upon my God for His help.” (see full message here)

When our own demons come out, sometimes through our own inner voices, we can remember who we are. We can confidently stand up to those demons and remind them of this truth: we are daughters of God, with so much to offer. Our worth comes from God and His love– not from what we accomplish, or our looks, our friends, or anything else.

Lifted by His Love

I have found that the closer I am to God and the more I am trying to hear His voice in my life, the quieter my harsh inner voice has become. The voices are still there, but I hear His voice louder, reminding me how strong I am and how much I am loved.

Through these scriptures, priesthood blessings, and trying to change my inner voice to reflect what God would say to me, I have begun to feel much more confident in myself and the responsibilities and challenges God has given to me. I have begun to see my efforts as good and the small things I can do as being enough. In the challenges that have come so far this year, I have felt lifted up by His love.

My husband and I felt very inspired to have me go back to work part time and felt like I would be able to have the capacity to work and to take care of my children and all the energy needed for those things. I am now a couple weeks into work and the fatigue from pregnancy has almost all gone away. The nausea as well has been taken away. I remind myself often that because I am a daughter of God, I can believe in my abilities and trust in the Lord. I am beginning to feel more confident in myself. I know that God sent this baby to our family at this time for a reason, and He wouldn’t do that if He didn’t believe that I could do it