How to be a Good Friend

I felt recently like it was time to get back to the blogging thing. And maybe its just to get my ideas written down so that I can solidify what I've been learning for me. I listened to a podcast the other day on connection (linked later in post) that reminded me that I wanted to record some things I've been learning on that very subject.

Let me first share a brief little update on our family. If you didn’t already know, we recently moved to Portland, Oregon. We love, love, love the Pacific Northwest and are so excited to be here. We miss our life in Utah, but we’ve been able to adapt to this new beautiful place a lot better than expected. Jack is growing so much and always learning new things and teaching us so much by just being his adorable self.

This move has given me a unique opportunity to reevaluate the type of friend I am, the type of friend I want to be, and how I can better make friends. Moving here, I have been very nervous about finding friends and felt a little overwhelmed thinking about how to find the courage to put myself out there and meet new people. But I have learned a lot recently about this topic and, though some of it may seem pretty simple, these discoveries have been life changing for me the past month or so. Isn't it great when changes motivates you to improve? So, here are my thoughts. I have a lot, so bare with me. Maybe they will resonate with others too because, for how much I have heard about this subject recently, it seems like these feelings are pretty universal right now.

The last 5 years or so, I feel like my efforts at friendship have just been so-so. I have made a lot of acquaintances, but most of my close friendships are friends I've had for at least 7-8 years, with exception of a few particular women. Looking back on these last few years, I can think of some specific people that I really missed out on creating some really lasting friendships with because I got complacent, stuck in my routine, and whatever else I used as an excuse at the time.

Coming to a new place, I knew I couldn't keep that mindset because I don't know that many people here in Oregon and if I want real friends, I need to start being a more consistent friend myself.

Before moving, and after, I talked to a lot of women I knew that in my mind had mastered the ability to make new friends and to be a good friend. I got some amazing advice.

One friend in particular who had moved a lot mentioned that, when moving to a new place, she would just plan on doing a lot of inviting, realizing that some people would not accept the invitation, and not letting stifle her motivation to extend invitations in the future. Its normal to hope that other people will take the initiative to make friends with you, but sometimes it better to take things into your own hands and be brave. She said that in persisting with these invites, she eventually made some really good friends.

To me, that idea reminded me that in making friends, we need to get out of our comfort zone. It isn't always going to be super easy, but having deep and lasting friendships, are worth it.

Since moving here, I have followed this advice a little, but not as much as I could (still working on it). And I have been surprised that people often respond with much more enthusiasm than I expected when I have invited them to things. I am planning an upcoming event in my home, and I have had such a great response from people. It makes me feel so hopeful that I will find some good friends.

To bring in another viewpoint, in a recent NPR Life Kit podcast that I came across, entitled "Make New Friends (And Keep Them)", it talks about how often we are super critical of ourselves and quick to jump to conclusions when we think people respond negatively to our efforts to become friends. The podcast sites scientific evidence that people actually love human interaction and often really enjoy being noticed and approached. And it points out that we as individuals can always add more friends into our lives. Most people want more friends too. So, remember, you are lovable and people want to be your friend. 

On another note, that NPR podcast has so much more to say about friendship that really resonates with me. It is so applicable to my life that it even mentions how hard it is to make friends in your thirties, a milestone I just reached. I'll link it here. Here's a fantastic quote from it that really stood out to me:

"You need to live your life in a way that you don't feel like you're wasting your time...What feels really worthwhile to you? ...Do the things your passionate about and you will naturally draw people to you and you will naturally connect to people."

I love that. When we focus our lives on doing things that we love, (like water coloring, volunteering, or hiking for me) we will find people that we more naturally get along with and those shared passions can be a great basis for a great friendship.

Following that advice, I decided to join and create some groups that share those passions since moving here. So far I have met some women that I had more in common with than I first realized. 

Recently I had the opportunity to work with a friend who is a life coach. I was able to take a part in a coaching session with her and we discussed this very topic. I told her that I was scared to approach people when I first meet them and sometimes even scared to go to events where I don't know people. In the session we discussed ways to overcome that fear and ultimately decided that I should use positive affirmations to help me remember my role in being a good friend. My new mantra has become "I love the person I am becoming, and the person I am becoming is a great friend." This mantra came also from a discussion I had with another friend who, when asked about how to overcome the fear of meeting new people, texted me, " I want to encourage you to [actively pursue friendships] because you are such a dear friend, people need to know that."

Remembering that I am needed and could be a blessing to someone else is a great way to help me want to overcome my fears.

A couple months ago, while at a bridal shower for a dear friend, she was described as being someone who "goes deep quick". It was the perfect way to describe this incredible person that I had been so drawn to when I first met her. She had a light about her and was so inspiring, from the first moment you met her. From the get-go you knew that she cared about the important things in life and wasn't afraid to share that with you. I am trying to be that person more and more every day.

Being Jack's mama and seeing how he interacts with other people has taught me so much about being a true friend. When Jack meets someone, he makes that person feel like they are the most important person to him in that moment. He smiles so big and is so very excited to meet them that he can win over anyone and everyone. His focus isn't on his to-do list or where he needs to go next. His focus is on that person in that moment. And when he smiles at you, you feel like a million bucks. 

Below is an example of that look.

Here are a few resources I have found recently and some very practical ideas from them that I have learned that authentic friends do. I highly recommend all of these podcasts:

• Connect with friends often. You can use the idea from the NPR podcast about having a spreadsheet to help you remember. I use Marco Polo and FaceTime to remind me to connect with long distance friends and family. 

• Invite people to go with you to places you'll already be going. For example, if you're going to the park with your son, invite some friends along. "How to Be a Friend Instead of Just Being Friendly", 3 in 30 podcast.

• Be willing to be vulnerable and be ready for other people to share their vulnerabilities with you. People connect with you more as you share who you really are, with your fears and weaknesses and all, more than they would with someone who is perfect, or appears perfect.  All In podcast with Brooke Romney, same guest speaker as the above podcast.

• Not comparing ourselves to others, so that we can truly be authentically happy for other's successes and better understand their needs. Here is an incredible BYU devotional about that is probably my favorite of all these podcasts.

One last thing that I would recommend is prayer. God wants to be involved in your life, and chances are, He already is involve in your life, but you may need help noticing it. "Oh, how we need each other!" (Sister Hinckley) He doesn't want us to walk this path all alone.

Since moving to Oregon, there have been some distinct moments when I have met individuals and I just feel like God has orchestrated them into my life. I cannot wait to keep trying to show up more in these relationships. I want to be known as someone who is a real friend and if you are someone who needs a friend, I sincerely want to be yours. I don't want to be the cause of someone feeling lonely. I promise myself every day to try to be a more consistent, present friend. I don't want these tender mercies to slip through the cracks again.