Thoughts on Competition

I've been meeting with a therapist now for over a year. In that year I have realized a lot about myself and the way I react to different situations. I've also learned some of the pitfalls that come with being Anneli that make some things in life harder than they should be. One of those things that I've noticed in particular is that I compare myself to others a lot. I want to write about this because, from my experience, I think we all do this to a certain extent. Comparison is not always a bad thing. Like stress, I think a healthy amount of it can motivate us to change and work hard to become better. But there is definitely a toxic form of comparison that leads to competition that I noticed I fall into more often then I care to admit. 

When I was a student at BYU, I was surrounded by a lot of high achievers. It was easy to compare myself to those who had summer internships lined up in October, who got into their programs of choice easily, who always had boyfriends, etc. and feel "less than". When I was in a good mindset, I realized that when I focused on learning from those people, I would often be inspired to be better myself. And when I focused on being inspired by others, it was easier for me to make connections and friendships with those people that I admired. When I spent too much time in comparison and jealousy, I missed out on those friendships because I spent too much time "competing" with them. 

The idea of this competition with others leads to a belief that in order for me to be good enough, I need to be better than others. Though this is far from true, and I believe and know that we all have our own goodness and our own unique strengths and successes, it often puts me at odds with other people. These thoughts that I have are rarely spoken, but they are still there in my head. 

This often comes from what is called a "scarcity mindset". A scarcity mindset says that success or beauty can only be had by a few and that there is not enough success, beauty, happiness, etc. to go around for everyone, so we must fight to get that. This pins us against each other. It discourages us. It keeps us from being inspired by others and new friendships. And it is just plain not true.

I've found myself falling into that mindset with some particular situations I am in right now and God is trying to nudge me out of this bad habit. It sometimes feels so easy to see others' lives and wish mine was different or see something they have and want to show them up by having something better, which sounds absolutely ridiculous, I know. But instead of these responses building me up, I've found myself feeling pretty discouraged.

In 2 Nephi 26:27-28, speaking of the Savior, it says: "Hath he commanded any that they should not partake of his salvation? Behold I say unto you, Nay; but he hath given it free for all men..Behold, hath the Lord commanded any that they should not partake of his goodness? Behold, I say unto you. Nay; but all men are privileged the one like unto the other, and none are forbidden."

All. Everyone. We all can partake of the goodness of God. We all have His heart, His love. We do not earn it, we do not compete for it. He has enough love for all of and each one of us.

Quick thoughts from others on this topic:

"Beauty isn't a limited resource in our world. Neither is love, attraction, validation, peace, intelligence, or happiness. But a world with narrow and highly prized ideals about bodies divides us into hierarchies of who looks right and who doesn't, and then ties our hopes for achieving all of those good things to our ability to climb the hierarchy. This pits us against our own bodies and each other in a constant state of comparison -- whether to our past selves, or future body goals, or the woman in the office down the hall...Research shows that women not only feel worse about their bodies after comparing them to others', but also feel less connection and unity toward the women they're measuring themselves against. If everyone is a competitor, no one is really on your team. When you harshly judge yourself, your self-consciousness is magnified, and this preoccupation with your looks leads you to feel isolated and competitive. The very act of self-comparison, even when it's a favorable comparison, not only causes our body image to plummet, but it also causes us to feel divided, alone, antagonistic, and distanced from other women -- both in real life and online." 

More Than a Body by Lindsay and Lexie Kite, pp. 122 and 126

I highly recommend this book, by the way.

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"No one of us is less treasured or cherished of God than another. I testify that He loves each of us--insecurities, anxieties, self-image, and all. He doesn't measure our talents or our looks; He doesn't measure our professions or our possessions. He cheers on every runner, calling out that the race is against sin, not against each other." 

The Other Prodigal, Jeffrey R. Holland, General Conference of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, April 2002

This is an amazing talk on a similar subject-envy.

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I recently listened to Abby Wambach on the Dare to Lead podcast by Brené Brown. She shared a story that was really profound. In 2015, she was playing soccer with Team USA during the Women's World Cup (which they ended up winning). This was her last year with the team and her last championship. At the end of the tournament Abby was benched on the sidelines. She was devastated and her ego was hit, but she eventually made the decision to put in as much energy to cheering on her teammates as she would have put into playing the game. 

This is how she described it: "And so, I had a decision. Okay, am I going to be a good teammate and sit on the bench and cheer my team on? Or am I going to live inside of my ego? Be a bad teammate, pout and try to show the world that I was good enough, that I should be the starter...I would be lying if I said that I didn’t want to be on the field. That was what I imagined for the previous year leading into this championship, me on the field like I always had been. So yeah, you’re allowed to be devastated and disappointed when life benches you in some way, but what you aren’t allowed to do is miss your opportunity to lead, because every single thing that I had yet to learn about leadership was in fact sitting right there next to me on that bench. And something that I’ve actually just realized, Brené,... is what I did in those moments of accepting the role that I was given, no matter whether I agreed with it or not, what I did in that acceptance was it gave the players on the field the confidence to go out there and play, because what my acceptance was, was also acceptance of them, and it was a belief in that, so they were able to go out and do the thing....But what that did long-term, it’s crazy to think about it for four or five, six years ago that this happened, that it hammered into stone the kind of person that I am to those teammates. So when they call me now, they call when their lives fall apart, when they need me, because they know that I’m going to show up, because they know that I chose them over myself and my ego in those moments. And so I was labeled “Great Captain, Great Leader,”... and I am more proud in many ways of the way that I responded to that life’s benching than any other goal that I ever scored for Team USA." 

This is what can happen if we let go of competing and start cheering on others.

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The story in the New Testament of the woman caught in adultery teaches us some good lessons. When the scribes and Pharisees came to Jesus with this sinner asking Him to condemn her, they were trying to make themselves look better. They were so caught up in the comparison and the competition that they didn't see the woman who needed help. Who needed love and redemption. (John 8)

We've all heard about the division in our world right now, and I do think that this sense of competition adds to that division. What would the world be like if we let go of competition? 

I think we would work together more and remember that we are all on this journey together.

We would cheer on others' successes and lead others to greater success.

We would each have greater self-confidence and that would help us to focus on helping others. 

We would make more friends and deepen current friendships. 

We would be more willing to mourn with those who mourn. 

We would listen to other people's viewpoints and opinions with openness. 

We would encourage each other and feel encouraged ourselves. 

We would stop shutting people out and instead, open our hearts and let them in. 

We would learn from their strengths and we would be more inspired. 

We would think of others as brothers and sisters to love and to help instead of competitors.

The list would go on and on. 

So how can we stop this competition? I think first is to notice it, then second, we need to learn about our divine worth. We need to help ourselves believe in that worth, whether that be through prayer, mantras we tell ourselves, etc. Then, when we feel deeply of our own worth, we need to focus on understanding the worth of others. Look for the good in them. Notice it and tell them. Learn from them. 

Let's cheer each other on. We are not in competition with each other. There is enough beauty, success, joy, and love to go around. We need each other. Why would we want to miss out on more friendships and connections with people that could bring so much more richness to our lives?

You are loved. You are enough. Believe it. It is true. 

Now go and love others.

Thoughts on Coping

It’s been a while since I have taken up writing. I mostly don’t feel like I have time to write or space in my brain to process everything going on or everything I am learning. It’s been a tough year and we’ve all gone through so much. I wrote a blog post early in the pandemic about all the good that had come of the pandemic so far. I’ve since wondered if that was insensitive, since so many are struggling in so many ways and it doesn’t always help to hear about other people’s blessings when you are in a hard place. I’ve thought so much about what I could write about to help myself process and to maybe put some good out into the world, and have never been sure just what to write. But today, I was looking at my notes and I figured something was better than nothing. So here it is.

For me, when I’m struggling, it often helps to learn things that I can do to keep going. To keep holding on. There have been many things that I have learned and many things I have turned to this last year that have helped me to handle some of the weight of all that is happening in my life and in the world. These ideas I’ll share may be helpful for you and they may not, so if this doesn’t enlighten you, that’s totally fine. Keep doing what you’re doing and know that God is there to help. I don’t think I am an expert on these things, but I have found some different ideas that have helped me over the past year, and I thought I might help someone by sharing them.

I know we’re all barely hanging on right now. It’s been a long year and we’re not sure of the future. We all need to give ourselves a little bit of grace for how it has gone. The first thing I’ll share that I have loved is Morgan Harper Nichols and all her positive thoughts. Here are a couple nuggets that she posted recently on Instagram:

“Give yourself some credit. Be proud of yourself for all the little ways you’ve learned to find joy in the waiting.” (Feb 23)

“I am making the brave decision to keep going anyway.” (Feb 17)

“The time you are taking right now to embrace your slow and steady growth matters more than you know.” (Feb 5)

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Recently I read the book Burnout by Emily and Amelia Nagoski. One of their big takeaways from the book is the idea of completing the cycle of an emotion. Here’s how they describe it :

“Instead of hitting the brake on our stress, we gently remove our foot from both the accelerator and the brake and allow ourselves to coast to a stop. TO do that, you create the right context and trust your body to do its thing...Emotions are like tunnels: you have to walk all the way through the darkness to get to the light at the end.”

I see this as allowing stress to flow through your body, instead of stuffing it down until it boils up to bursting. 

Here are some ideas they give that may help you “complete the cycle” of your emotions: 

-Run, walk, or other physical activity

-Sleep

-Meditation or mindfulness

-Allowing a good cry (But don’t wallow in it)

-Art

-Self-kindness

I’ve tried this and it has sincerely worked. When I’m dealing with disappointment and I have allowed myself to grieve the loss, I more quickly can move on from those feelings, then if I tried to talk myself out of the grief.

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Philippians 4:6-7 has been one of my go-to scriptures.

“Be careful for nothing*; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.”

*Footnote: Don’t be unduly concerned about anything.

When I can’t find control in my life. When I don’t have answers, I know that God somehow does understand. I know that I can turn to Him and He will give me the strength I need. 

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I have owned the book Good to Great by Jim Collins for years now and never read it. I put in on my “must read” list this year to make it finally happen. I read it about a month ago and was surprised at how many of these business principles were applicable to everyday life. One that really stuck out to me was the Stockdale Paradox.

The idea behind the Stockdale Paradox is to have faith that you will succeed in the end, but not to put limits on what that means. No matter what obstacles you may face, you cannot let those discourage you. 

The idea comes from a man who was a prisoner of war for 12 years. He observed many people come into the camp while he was there. Some would come in saying “we will be out of here by Christmas”. When that came and went, they would say, “we’ll be out of here by Easter”, and that would come and go. Eventually they just gave up because their expectations weren’t met. But the man decided that he would keep his unwavering faith that, no matter when and no matter what the obstacles he faced, he eventually would get out. And he did. He was one of the only people the survive the camp.

For me, I’ve had similar thoughts with the pandemic. I first thought, this will be done by May, then by July, etc. My date just kept getting pushed back further and further and I kept grieving over and over again and becoming more and more hopeless. I liked the idea of the Stockdale Paradox because it allows me to keep having hope that things will get better, but not set a date for that to happen.

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I kind of feel like I’m over sharing ideas here, but I don’t want to leave out some very inspiring and motivating talks from the October 2020 General Conference from my church, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter day Saints. I won’t say too much about them here, but feel free to click on the link and go read them for yourself. They touch on turning to God to become more like Him, and on our relationships with others.

Becoming Like Him by Scott D. Whiting

Let Patience Have Her Perfect Work, and Count it All Joy! by Jeremy R. Jaggi

By Union of Feeling We Obtain Power with God by Sharon Eubank (She is amazing!)

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Lastly, I have been thinking about how each person on this planet at some level can understand the struggles of another during this time. We are all facing the same struggle. And we’re facing it together. I’ve heard it called collective trauma. Each person has experienced some form of heartache because of this pandemic. Some have lost jobs, some have lost people they love, and we’ve all lost time, and sense of peace, and a feeling of closeness with those around us. It has been so hard for us all, yet, on the other end of it is a loving God who somehow has the power to reach us each individually. Even when we all are suffering. He can still touch us one by one. He can touch our hearts and help us heal, however slowly that may be. 

I know that some may wonder how an all-knowing God could let this happen to His children, and I can’t claim to know why, but I love the scripture verse in the Book of Mormon that says, “I know that he (God) loveth his children; nevertheless, I do not know the meaning of all things” (1 Nephi 11:17). Sometimes that small reminder that God loves us all is enough for me to take that next small step forward into the dark, knowing that somehow He will be right there with me. 

Since we are all suffering, let’s try to share compassion with others who are feeling the same way. There doesn’t need to be a shortage of compassion in the world, especially when we all understand something of what the other person may be going through.

Brené Brown said it best:

“I’ve learned a lot from research about the danger of comparative suffering and the race to misery. If we believe empathy is finite, like pizza, and practicing empathy with someone leaves fewer slices for others, then perhaps comparing levels of suffering would be necessary. Luckily, however, empathy is infinite and renewable. The more you give, the more we all have. That means all pain can be met with empathy- there’s no reason to rank and ration.”

I sincerely hope that you are doing okay. That you see some light at the end of the tunnel. That you give yourself some grace. That you let things go. That you rest. That you find something to laugh about, even when you are so tired and worn out. I’m trying to do the same.

Finding God during a Pandemic

For some reason recently I have been had a persistent prompting to share some thoughts on here. I hope this message can bring some hope and peace into your life.

Earlier this week I had a really great conversation with a patient at my work. He shared with me two experiences that he’s had over the past 5 years. The first experience happened when he had one health problem, and while getting treated for that and found out that he also had bladder cancer. Luckily, he found it early enough to that it was small and easily treated. The second was about a year ago, when he had an episode of Atrial-fibrillation (a dangerous heart arrhythmia that can lead to a heart-attack or stroke), and because of that he had an MRI, and also found out that he had lung cancer. Again, it was found early and quick enough for them to treat it before it became a bigger problem. I mentioned how lucky he had been to have those other issues that helped him find each of those cancers so quickly. He just looked at me and pointed up, and said, “He was looking out for me.” I was touched by the testimony that patient witnessed to me that day. I’ve reflected on it since and on his ability to see God in the unexpected in his life. He could instead be focusing on all the health problems he’s had over the past few years, but he has chosen to see the good that has come of these challenges. And to credit it all to God. Again, I was so touched.

I thought about that in light of all that has been happening in the world recently. It’s as if we’ve all been given our own new “cancer diagnosis”, with all the changes and challenges that have been happening in the world. With the COVID-19 pandemic putting the world and life on pause, so many people are struggling and so many lives have been changed in very challenging ways. Some people are homeschooling unexpectedly, some are doing that on top of working full-time. Some of us have family, friends, or themselves who are fighting this disease. Some have been dealing with being laid off or furloughed because of the government measures to stay-at-home. Many important events we were looking forward to were cancelled. Most of us have not been able to see friends or loved ones for a long time. I don’t want to discount those challenges at all because they have been hard for each of us. And whatever you are experiencing, someone else's experiences don't discount the suffering you may be experiencing. I think about this suffering often and I pray that this pandemic will not go on too much longer so each of us struggling will soon find relief.

But in other ways, I have noticed for me, at least, that there have also been a lot of opportunities to see God in this new chapter of the world and in my life. I wanted to share some of those that I have seen in hopes that it will trigger some ideas that you can see God in your current experiences as well. Not an inexhaustible list, but here’s what I can think of in the moment:

·      Being furloughed for six weeks and having so much free time on my hands.

·      Jack learning so many words and growing every day and being able to watch it all first hand. Being able to spend so much quality time with him and Jon as we literally spent 24x7 together with Jon working from home.

·      Painting a lot more and how much joy it has brought me to create and to grow in my talents.

·      Practicing piano daily, something I haven’t done in years.

·      Exploring the beautiful PNW spring and nature close to us because we can’t explore anywhere else.

·      Having a balcony. Even if it’s not a backyard, we can still get outside without having contact with other people.

·      Having lots of natural light in our apartment.

·      Trying new restaurants around us as we try to support local businesses.

·      Talking to our extended family more and feeling much more connected to them.

·      The wonder of technology that allows us to see family and friends still even though we don’t see them in person.

·      So much time for baking that we wouldn’t do otherwise. Yum!

·      Our little Etsy shop getting more orders than we normally have this time of year.

·      Kindness from others: people reaching out to me that wouldn’t otherwise. A chance to notice the support that I have in my life.

·      A lot more hellos from strangers from a six feet distance.

·      Feeling closer to my neighbors than ever before and receiving sweet notes from them.

·      Almost finished with the Harry Potter series again that I cannot get enough of and reading lots of other books that remind me what kind of person I want to be.

·      Lots of Steve Rick’s videos so we plan future traveling. J

·      Putting up tents inside and making forts and other creative activities, (though I may have run out of creative inside activities for a one year old).

·      Home church and regularly baring testimony to each other and to Jack. Feeling like our home can be like Heaven at times. And hearing testimonies from family members who live farther away.

·      So much time to think about and practice the type of parent I want to be.

·      Trying to listen more deeply to Gods voice in my life because I feel like I need Him more now.

·      So many different free online resources that I have been able to benefit from.

·      Seeing so many people in the world show kindness to one another.

·      Feeling more grounded and confident in who I am and what’s important to me.

·      Evening walks and communes with God that wouldn’t have happened otherwise.

·      More time to think about and execute service to others. On top of that, feeling more refreshed and ready to serve.

·      The fact that we bought a car that we desperately needed just in the nick of time before all of the social distancing started happening.

·      More gratitude for small things.

·      More time to finish projects that I’ve been “working on” for years.

·      More time to just simply rest.

·      Experiencing more compassion for others.

·      Making the world feel closer to me because it’s just as easy to connect with someone from another side of the country as it is to connect with a neighbor down the street.

·      Remembering how much I need people and learning to reach out to them more consistently.

·      Waking up to Jack saying “Mama” every morning.

This last week I have had the opportunity to start going back to work a little, after being gone for six weeks. Now that I have a little less time at home, and my life, in a small way, is going back to what it was like before COVID-19, I’ve been brainstorming how to continue living in the same way that I was during those six weeks. I feel in many ways like a completely different person now than I was then. I still miss so many things that we used to have and that we used to be able to do. But I also cherish things more and have worked out what my priorities need to be more than ever before. My word for 2020 is “intentional” and my goal was to be more thoughtful about how I use my time. I feel like I am so much closer to that now than ever. I will love more deeply, reach out to others more, make sure I carve out time to develop my talents, reach out to God more deeply, and bare testimony to my little family more often.

I am so grateful to have seen God in so many aspects of my life during this challenging time. How have you seen God in your life?

Being Kind to Yourself

Note: I originally wrote this for a community that I love, A Voice of Gladness, but wanted to share it here as well.

On December 31, 2019, I took a pregnancy test. Three minutes after taking the test I looked down and saw two little lines. This is not necessarily what I had expected. I had so many ambitious New Year’s resolutions and plans for the year 2020, and being pregnant would complicate things a little.

As a mother of a fifteen-month old, I was thinking of trying to go back to work part time, my husband and I were going to buy a house right around the time this new baby would be due, and I could finally fit into my favorite skinny jeans again. This was going to change how that year was going to look. It took me a week or two to totally accept the news. I really was excited to continue to grow our family and so grateful for this new gift of life, but in shock at the timing of it all. (I should note that I know so many struggle with infertility and I shouldn’t feel anything but gratitude for a new baby).

Right about the time that the news all started to set in that I was pregnant is when the nausea and fatigue also settled in. I felt like I could barely get up in the morning to take care of my son. And each time he went down for a nap, I did too. It was all I could do to stay awake in between nap times and it was hard to keep down anything. It was hard to get out of the house because of how I was feeling. Add to that the darkness of winter, and I found myself in a very isolated, dark place. I started feeling like I wasn’t doing anything, that no one cared about me, and that I wasn’t a good wife or mother.

Being Kind to Yourself

During this same time, a friend mentioned the idea of being kind to yourself. She spoke of how just paying attention to her inner voice had her realizing how self-destructive her thoughts were and, in turn, had led her to change those thoughts.

That prompted me to start listening to my own inner voice. I would hear things like, “Why can’t you just stay awake for once and get something done?”, “How can you be so lazy?”, “No one cares about you”, “You are barely taking care of your son, how are you going to take care of another one?”, “How can you think of going back to work feeling like this?”, etc. I was appalled when I realized how harsh I was being on myself, almost without realizing it. I would never say those things to a friend of mine, why would I say those things to myself?

At this same time, while my husband and I were making some big decisions, I received a priesthood blessing. The words spoken in that blessing were in such contrast to the things I had been telling myself: “You are so loved”, “He believes in you”, “He is guiding you”, “You are the mom your children need”, etc. I was struck by the love that the Lord had for me. It was such a powerful reminder to me that I am known by and important to God.

God’s Love

Romans 8, verses 35, 38-39 states:

“Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?…

For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come,

Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

This scripture has long been a favorite of mine, but at this time in my life, it was a life-line to remind me of my individual worth. It reminded me that God’s love for us never changes. It is not dependent on our achievements or accomplishments. He loves us simply because we are His children and have great worth. So why do we often have such negative self-talk when we don’t live up to our high expectations or the expectations that others put on us?

Knowing You are a Child of God

Another passage of scripture that has taught me about the power of knowing who we are is found in the book of Moses chapter 1 (excerpt from the translation of the Bible, as revealed to the prophet Joseph Smith).

In this story, Moses talks with God, face to face. While talking to Him, God tells Moses he is His son. He also tells Moses that He has a work for him to do. Soon after speaking with God, Satan comes to tempt Moses. Satan says, “Moses, son of man, worship me.” Satan calls him a son of man, but Moses knows that he is a son of God.

Moses responds, “Who art thou? For behold, I am a son of God, in the similitude of his Only Begotten; and where is thy glory, that I should worship thee?”

Because Moses knew who he was, he could not be deceived into thinking he was anything less than a child of God. I think that is powerful. When we are faced with temptations to see ourselves as less than, we can remind ourselves of our worth by declaring that we are children of God.

In a wonderful message given by Gary E. Stevenson, he says this about this scriptural passage:

“There is much we can learn from Moses’s mighty response to temptation from the adversary. I invite you to respond the same way when you feel influenced by temptation. Command the enemy of your soul by saying: ‘Go away! You have no glory. Do not tempt or lie to me! For I know I am a child of God. And I will always call upon my God for His help.” (see full message here)

When our own demons come out, sometimes through our own inner voices, we can remember who we are. We can confidently stand up to those demons and remind them of this truth: we are daughters of God, with so much to offer. Our worth comes from God and His love– not from what we accomplish, or our looks, our friends, or anything else.

Lifted by His Love

I have found that the closer I am to God and the more I am trying to hear His voice in my life, the quieter my harsh inner voice has become. The voices are still there, but I hear His voice louder, reminding me how strong I am and how much I am loved.

Through these scriptures, priesthood blessings, and trying to change my inner voice to reflect what God would say to me, I have begun to feel much more confident in myself and the responsibilities and challenges God has given to me. I have begun to see my efforts as good and the small things I can do as being enough. In the challenges that have come so far this year, I have felt lifted up by His love.

My husband and I felt very inspired to have me go back to work part time and felt like I would be able to have the capacity to work and to take care of my children and all the energy needed for those things. I am now a couple weeks into work and the fatigue from pregnancy has almost all gone away. The nausea as well has been taken away. I remind myself often that because I am a daughter of God, I can believe in my abilities and trust in the Lord. I am beginning to feel more confident in myself. I know that God sent this baby to our family at this time for a reason, and He wouldn’t do that if He didn’t believe that I could do it

How to be a Good Friend

I felt recently like it was time to get back to the blogging thing. And maybe its just to get my ideas written down so that I can solidify what I've been learning for me. I listened to a podcast the other day on connection (linked later in post) that reminded me that I wanted to record some things I've been learning on that very subject.

Let me first share a brief little update on our family. If you didn’t already know, we recently moved to Portland, Oregon. We love, love, love the Pacific Northwest and are so excited to be here. We miss our life in Utah, but we’ve been able to adapt to this new beautiful place a lot better than expected. Jack is growing so much and always learning new things and teaching us so much by just being his adorable self.

This move has given me a unique opportunity to reevaluate the type of friend I am, the type of friend I want to be, and how I can better make friends. Moving here, I have been very nervous about finding friends and felt a little overwhelmed thinking about how to find the courage to put myself out there and meet new people. But I have learned a lot recently about this topic and, though some of it may seem pretty simple, these discoveries have been life changing for me the past month or so. Isn't it great when changes motivates you to improve? So, here are my thoughts. I have a lot, so bare with me. Maybe they will resonate with others too because, for how much I have heard about this subject recently, it seems like these feelings are pretty universal right now.

The last 5 years or so, I feel like my efforts at friendship have just been so-so. I have made a lot of acquaintances, but most of my close friendships are friends I've had for at least 7-8 years, with exception of a few particular women. Looking back on these last few years, I can think of some specific people that I really missed out on creating some really lasting friendships with because I got complacent, stuck in my routine, and whatever else I used as an excuse at the time.

Coming to a new place, I knew I couldn't keep that mindset because I don't know that many people here in Oregon and if I want real friends, I need to start being a more consistent friend myself.

Before moving, and after, I talked to a lot of women I knew that in my mind had mastered the ability to make new friends and to be a good friend. I got some amazing advice.

One friend in particular who had moved a lot mentioned that, when moving to a new place, she would just plan on doing a lot of inviting, realizing that some people would not accept the invitation, and not letting stifle her motivation to extend invitations in the future. Its normal to hope that other people will take the initiative to make friends with you, but sometimes it better to take things into your own hands and be brave. She said that in persisting with these invites, she eventually made some really good friends.

To me, that idea reminded me that in making friends, we need to get out of our comfort zone. It isn't always going to be super easy, but having deep and lasting friendships, are worth it.

Since moving here, I have followed this advice a little, but not as much as I could (still working on it). And I have been surprised that people often respond with much more enthusiasm than I expected when I have invited them to things. I am planning an upcoming event in my home, and I have had such a great response from people. It makes me feel so hopeful that I will find some good friends.

To bring in another viewpoint, in a recent NPR Life Kit podcast that I came across, entitled "Make New Friends (And Keep Them)", it talks about how often we are super critical of ourselves and quick to jump to conclusions when we think people respond negatively to our efforts to become friends. The podcast sites scientific evidence that people actually love human interaction and often really enjoy being noticed and approached. And it points out that we as individuals can always add more friends into our lives. Most people want more friends too. So, remember, you are lovable and people want to be your friend. 

On another note, that NPR podcast has so much more to say about friendship that really resonates with me. It is so applicable to my life that it even mentions how hard it is to make friends in your thirties, a milestone I just reached. I'll link it here. Here's a fantastic quote from it that really stood out to me:

"You need to live your life in a way that you don't feel like you're wasting your time...What feels really worthwhile to you? ...Do the things your passionate about and you will naturally draw people to you and you will naturally connect to people."

I love that. When we focus our lives on doing things that we love, (like water coloring, volunteering, or hiking for me) we will find people that we more naturally get along with and those shared passions can be a great basis for a great friendship.

Following that advice, I decided to join and create some groups that share those passions since moving here. So far I have met some women that I had more in common with than I first realized. 

Recently I had the opportunity to work with a friend who is a life coach. I was able to take a part in a coaching session with her and we discussed this very topic. I told her that I was scared to approach people when I first meet them and sometimes even scared to go to events where I don't know people. In the session we discussed ways to overcome that fear and ultimately decided that I should use positive affirmations to help me remember my role in being a good friend. My new mantra has become "I love the person I am becoming, and the person I am becoming is a great friend." This mantra came also from a discussion I had with another friend who, when asked about how to overcome the fear of meeting new people, texted me, " I want to encourage you to [actively pursue friendships] because you are such a dear friend, people need to know that."

Remembering that I am needed and could be a blessing to someone else is a great way to help me want to overcome my fears.

A couple months ago, while at a bridal shower for a dear friend, she was described as being someone who "goes deep quick". It was the perfect way to describe this incredible person that I had been so drawn to when I first met her. She had a light about her and was so inspiring, from the first moment you met her. From the get-go you knew that she cared about the important things in life and wasn't afraid to share that with you. I am trying to be that person more and more every day.

Being Jack's mama and seeing how he interacts with other people has taught me so much about being a true friend. When Jack meets someone, he makes that person feel like they are the most important person to him in that moment. He smiles so big and is so very excited to meet them that he can win over anyone and everyone. His focus isn't on his to-do list or where he needs to go next. His focus is on that person in that moment. And when he smiles at you, you feel like a million bucks. 

Below is an example of that look.

Here are a few resources I have found recently and some very practical ideas from them that I have learned that authentic friends do. I highly recommend all of these podcasts:

• Connect with friends often. You can use the idea from the NPR podcast about having a spreadsheet to help you remember. I use Marco Polo and FaceTime to remind me to connect with long distance friends and family. 

• Invite people to go with you to places you'll already be going. For example, if you're going to the park with your son, invite some friends along. "How to Be a Friend Instead of Just Being Friendly", 3 in 30 podcast.

• Be willing to be vulnerable and be ready for other people to share their vulnerabilities with you. People connect with you more as you share who you really are, with your fears and weaknesses and all, more than they would with someone who is perfect, or appears perfect.  All In podcast with Brooke Romney, same guest speaker as the above podcast.

• Not comparing ourselves to others, so that we can truly be authentically happy for other's successes and better understand their needs. Here is an incredible BYU devotional about that is probably my favorite of all these podcasts.

One last thing that I would recommend is prayer. God wants to be involved in your life, and chances are, He already is involve in your life, but you may need help noticing it. "Oh, how we need each other!" (Sister Hinckley) He doesn't want us to walk this path all alone.

Since moving to Oregon, there have been some distinct moments when I have met individuals and I just feel like God has orchestrated them into my life. I cannot wait to keep trying to show up more in these relationships. I want to be known as someone who is a real friend and if you are someone who needs a friend, I sincerely want to be yours. I don't want to be the cause of someone feeling lonely. I promise myself every day to try to be a more consistent, present friend. I don't want these tender mercies to slip through the cracks again.