Ode to Trials

Note: Okay, so this isn’t a lyrical poem, like the word “ode” refers to, but it is a celebration of what I have recently learned about trials. This has come through some personal yearnings of mine to understand some trials that I’ve been experiencing lately and through a lot of pondering and reading. What I have learned may not mean much to other people, but it has hit me really hard.

Recently I have been thinking back on some big moments in my life. I’ve thought of moments when I felt my life was going all wrong and was not sticking to the plan. I’ve thought of moments where I was blindsided by heartache. And I’ve thought of the years of waiting for blessings that at times I thought would never come.

Trials are never what we planned. But they were always a part of the eternal plan.

Trials stretch us and hurt us and exasperate us. They can cause us to loose hope, become bitter, and build walls. They can separate us from the people we love and can take away the dearest things in our lives. Sounds horrible, right?

And then I thought of a different side of these experiences that has really changed me.

I thought of a moment in the middle of the night, lying in a hospital bed, physically unable to get up from that bed, when just 12 hours earlier I was hiking with friends. Every hour I had to be woken up to check my vital signs and make sure I was stable. And every hour that I was woken up, I was filled with this deep feeling and sense that I was so blessed to be alive. That my life was saved because my time was not up yet.

I remember the lessons learned through years of struggling. How deeply I felt the Savior’s embrace around me during that time. It was so real and it made up for what I was going through in the moment. And then how much I learned about patience and about growth and about hope and peace. And when that trial ended, I appreciated what I had more than I would have before because of the wait.

I remember when I felt absolutely defeated and a total failure. Yet, at that same period in my life the Lord was teaching me and reaching out to me with so much love.

I have learned most of what I know about trials by observing the joy and miracles that have come from the struggles of people that I love. Now, I’m not saying that I love seeing people struggle. That’s not it at all. But sometimes I feel like we can see miracles more clearly when looking at someone else’s life.

For example, I remember as a teenager finding out that three women that I so much admired were not able to have children. But yet ALL THREE were mothers to many, both literally and figuratively.

I remember a neighbor of mine growing up shared a story with me. She was in her 30s when she married. Soon after her marriage, her husband was diagnosed with cancer. In a moment of desperation in prayer, she asked why she had to wait so long to find a husband only for him to be given a disease that could take him away from her again. The answer she got was that Heavenly Father had spent all those years alone strengthening her for this trial. He hadn’t forsaken her, but had given her exactly what she needed to prepare for her future.

I’ve watched someone close to me struggle with a weakness of his that he deals with every day, but that he praises because it has brought him to his Savior.

A couple years ago I met a woman who had lived alone 40 years since her husband’s death. She rose above her circumstances and is one of the happiest people I have ever known and one of the easiest to love.

Every wedding is such a celebration, but when it’s a wedding for a friend that has been waiting for something true and real for such a long time, and you can see that she finally found it, that is one happy wedding! And you cry tears of relief and pure joy for them.

I remember another friend of mine who wished with her whole heart for children. After years of trying, she was blessed with a beautiful boy. Fast forward 5 years and they now have 4 little miracle children in their home.

Recently, I have seen a young woman, who has discovered that a disease she has been fighting for years has taken over her body, and watching as she looks to the future with faith. She hasn’t given up, but she has found it in herself to embrace whatever life she has left. And she spreads her light to all around her.

These and countless other stories have shown me hope in the face of trials. I would never wish to see these trials come to these people I love so much, but what has come out of them has blessed my life incredibly.

In December Jon and I decided to read a book by Neal A. Maxwell entitled All These Things Shall Give thee Experience. That book was so timely. It totally changed my view of trials and also helped remind me of other things in life’s experiences that shape us. I highly recommend it!

The book starts by explaining how God is omniscient (he knows everything), omnipotent (he is all powerful), and omniloving (he loves everyone with a pure love).

“God, who knows the beginning from the end, knows, therefore, all that is between. He could not safely see us through our individual allotments of ‘all these things’ that shall give us experiences if he did not first know ‘all things’.” 

He explains that because God knows everything and in spite of the fact that He is all powerful, and because He loves us purely, He allows us to be tried and tested.  When we understand those truths, it makes more sense why this needs to be.

“Since this is a gospel of growth and life is a school of experience, God, as a loving Father, will stretch our souls at times. The soul is like a violin string: it makes music only when it is stretched. God will tutor us by trying us because He loves us, not because of indifference!” 

I wish I could quote the whole book, but instead you should just go and read it yourself. No one can describe it quite as well as Neal A. Maxwell.

“This mortal life could not be a first class experience if we did not encounter some first class challenges as measured out by an all-wise God who is perfect in His love for us.” 

Through that book and reading another great book, At the Pulpit, I have learned that just because you have had one particular trial, doesn’t mean that you won’t have others of a similar nature. I was reminded that if we are to grow in this life, we can’t grow by being complacent and comfortable. We have to grow through struggle.

A quote from that book (At the Pulpit) says it well:

“I know the love of God. It is one of the very few things that I do know with absolute certainty. I think suffering on this earth is an indication of God’s trust, God’s love. I think it is an indication that God does not want us to be simply obedient children playing forever under his hand, but wants us able to become more like himself. In order to do that we have to know reality. We have to be real ourselves and not dependent on externals. If we are to be like God, we cannot live forever in fear that we may meet something that will scare us or that will hurt us. We have to be able, as He is able, to meet what comes of other’s agency, and of living in a lawful universe that allows creation of a habitable planet only when it allows also the difficulties that come in natural operations of such a planet.” 
(Francine R. Bennion)

I have also recently noticed that sharing your trials with others, when appropriate and when with someone you trust, you find ways to connect with others more deeply than you have before. And you begin to feel greater love from and for that person than ever before.

Lately I’ve been going through my own personal trial. It’s not one I want to share in this setting, but I want to share how I have felt. In moments of acute heartache, I have prayed for help and I have felt strengthened and comforted almost immediately. God is so, so good! When we turn to Him in our time of need, He promises us His help. Sometimes it is in a way so personal, that it is hard to describe to others, but it is still very real. I have felt this way multiple times in my life, but each time I feel it, I am again amazed. Amazed that a God so great knows me, just one speck of His creation. He helps me to remember that He has not forgotten me. And because He has not forgotten me, He will help me through these moments. He provides miracles every day (though we may often not notice them) to help us along our way. Sometimes those miracles are changes in us, like less jealousy when others get what you want, or a kind word from a friend. Sometimes they are bigger in nature, but they are always there. And when I feel His presence or see His miracles, my view of the trial often changes and I instead feel so privileged to be experiencing this greater sense of love and greater growth.

Lastly, it’s become important for me to remember that we never know what people are experiencing. Therefore, let us be kind to those we meet, even if they are not kind to us. Most likely, they are also walking a hard road.

We are blessed through trials. Sometimes they are our own, sometimes they are other’s trials. Sometimes they are resolved beautifully, and other times it seems that your prayers aren’t answered. I don’t know that I understand why that happens. Sometimes trials make us become more bitter, but they are meant to make us better.

Through trials we grow and our hope in the Savior should grow as well. He will help us through those trials. He really wants us to succeed and thrive through these moments. They will bring us to our knees, but that is how we will find solace. That is how we will succeed.

A little perspective....

Hey all! I know I don't write in here enough. But I have been having some thoughts recently that I wanted to share. If it seems to you that I am learning the same lesson over and over again, I am. I guess I'm slow.

I've been learning a lot this year so far. We're half way through the year and I've already passed my goal of reading 20 books. I've been learning so much in these books about the value of education, the importance of real human connection, the struggles that different people have gone through, and ultimately to love others more and judge them less. If anyone needs book recommendations, let me know.

I've also been learning a lot about service. I have realized that service is not only good for those you serve, but it lifts you as well. I love that I've had so many opportunities to serve this year so far. At times I have grumbled about them, but when I just get to work and serve someone else, I always find that I am happier for it. Now, making yourself happy should not be the reason you serve, but I think seeing someone else better off and learning to love them more makes service all worth it.

One other thing that I wanted to mention is a lesson that has really stuck out to me the last couple months:

The Lord can make more out of your time that you can ever plan for yourself. 

I really believe that.

Recently I have been looking back on the past year. Jon and I have almost been married one year. It’s been an incredible year. When we first got married, I wasn’t sure how we would be able to see each other, but we made time and it all worked out so much better than I could have imagined. Don’t get me wrong. It was hard at times to almost never have a day off from work or school, but we made it work and somehow even found time to go on lots of adventures. I have no idea how that all happened. And we've had awesome experiences to serve each other. I look back and can see how much we’ve grown closer to each other and to God. 

At the beginning of 2017, Jon and I looked at our goals and I just about had a meltdown. We had so much that had to line up just perfectly, so that all our other goals could work out. I had to get a nursing job (a process that stressed me out to no end), pass the NCLEX—a test that decides if you become a nurse or not—on the first try so that we could go on a humanitarian trip, and then start my job a week later, all while planning for Jon to quit his job in the fall and start his MBA 50 miles south of where we currently lived. I could go on, but you get the point. There was a lot to plan for and I didn’t trust my abilities to get it all done in the timing we had planned on.

The first six months of this year were challenging, but I was determined to do all I could to make it all work. I studied hard for my NCLEX test (even though I felt like I was making no progress- that test is impossible to understand). During the time when I was studying for the test, I began to pray every time I prayed to be able to pass the NCLEX. Each morning I pleaded with God to help me and I told Him the reasons why it was important to me. During those few weeks I experienced some very tender moments, when I felt as if I was being strengthened beyond my abilities. There was one particular moment where I felt that I had so many people seen and unseen that were cheering me on and literally opening paths for me that I couldn’t see. It was a transformative moment for me. 

I felt nervous to take the test, but I knew that I had done all I could and that Heavenly Father was 100% on my side. I took the test and ended up with the best possible outcome, though I can’t tell you if I got even one of those 75 questions right or not. I know that He was with me. 

I felt that strength also when we went to Peru for humanitarian work. I felt like my Spanish came back almost immediately, even though I had not been practicing it like I should have for years. And we met so many incredible individuals and had some very sweet moments.

In the end, all the things we needed to line up perfectly REALLY did lined up perfectly. 

Now with the future again looking a little daunting, I feel confident that it will be doable. Not just doable, but it will be great. I’ve started officially working as a nurse (YAY!) in a cancer unit like I’ve always dreamed of. I’m seriously loving it. It is a dream come true! But next month I will start working night shifts and Jon will start his MBA. Though it feels like we won’t ever see each other, I know that all will be well. Heaven is on our side.

As I’ve been thinking about this schedule change, one thought has come back to me time and time again: 

Do not complain about the blessings that you have. 

At first I was complaining about my new job and that I would never see my husband. But in all reality, what I am seeing as burdens, are really blessings. I have been given the opportunity to work as a nurse, something I have wanted for 10+ years. And I have a really good marriage, something that not everyone has. Though I may have to go days at a time without seeing my husband, I need to just be grateful that I have him. And I am. He's the best thing in my life! I also have a million other blessings that stare me in the face daily as a reminder that come what may, I know God will be with me.

My point is God is faithful. I look back on every period of my life and see moments that He blessed me. He has been there through EVERYTHING. And He has helped me accomplish some major goals that seemed impossible at times. He has taught me that "with God nothing shall be impossible", (Luke 1:37).

I hope each person who reads this can look back on their lives and see these moments. Sometimes it takes a real search to find Him. Sometimes our lives may seem full of darkness, but He is there. Look for the silver lining. That is Him. He is always there. Love the life He has given you.

As He has told us, “I will not forget thee….I have graven thee upon the palms of my hands", (1 Nephi 21: 15-16).